Bike Guy

The big yellow thing in the sky?

2005-04-24T10:17:00.000-07:00

It's called "the sun", and unless the day is overcast it will rise in the east every morning. Primative cultures worshipped the sun, making offerings and conducting sacrifices to this strange god. Apparently, some people still do.

My fellow commuters, the sun is not to be feared or worshipped, only appreciated. You need not come to a complete stop wile driving into its warming embrace; I assure you, it WILL NOT smite you down. You need not freeze, mouth agape like you're witnessing a divine revelation (trust me, you're not - God's not into the big production thing these days). Instead, try this simple, calming action.

DRIVE.

Yes, that's it, drive. Don't come to a complete fucking stop as you round a corner into the sun, causing accidents and further pooching the rush hour commute. You KNOW where the sun is going to be - it's there every day. It's not getting (noticeably) dimmer, so here are a few things you can do to cope with it:

1) Sunglasses. This miraculous invention has been around for hundreds of years. Sunglasses (or, shades, as they are occasionally called) actually REDUCE the amount of light being transmitted to your eyes. One possible benefit? When wearing sunglasses, you can drive into the sun with little fear of reduced visibility.

2) Visor. This handy device flips down from the top of your windshield (inside the car) and actually BLOCKS the sun. Trust me; it doesn't erase the sun or snuff it out. Instead, using the miracle discovery of opaque fabric it eliminates the sun glare from your view, allowing you to drive unimpeded. Visor technology has become so advance that most now SWIVEL, allowing you to block the sun both in front of you and beside you. What will they think of next...

3) Squinting. Yes, when given no other options you can actualy narrow your eyelids (only partially while driving, please) to reduce the amount of light hitting your optic nerve. Squinting has the unintended benefit of making you look intellectual (or psychotic), often giving pause to those around you.

I'm no pagan, but if I have to deal with another 25 MPH commute because other drivers can't maintain a reasonable speed while driving into the sun, I will SERIOUSLY contemplate some human sacrifice.

OnStar Services We Could Really Use

2005-04-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

The following transcripts are NOT based on actual OnStar calls. If they were, perhaps I'd be motivated to buy a vehicle that had it.

OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver A: "Hello OnStar. I'd like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They've been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can't get around them on the right."
OS Operator: "Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missle attack?"
Driver A: "He's really pissing me off - better go with the Hellfire missles"
OS Operator: "An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missles are a PREMIUM service. You'll see the charge on your next statement."
Driver A: "Not a problem ma'am"
OS Operator: "OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I'd advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day."

OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver B: "I'm running late for an important meeting, and traffic blows goats. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?"
OS Operator: "Yes sir, I'd be happy to. I have to give you our standard disclaimer that the auto navigate feature will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?"
Driver B: "Yes ma'am, I sent it in last month"
OS Operator: "Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We'll take it from here."
Driver B: "Could you also.."
OS Operator: "Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car at work? Already done, sir."

OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver C: "I've just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off."
OS Operator: "Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police."
Driver C: "No, I'm OK. I'm just pissed about my car."
OS Operator: "Can you give a description of the vehicle and occupants? Would you like us to dispatch our 'courtesy enforcement specialists'"
Driver C: "Yeah, just don't send Vinnie and Rocco again."
OS Operator: "Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?"
Driver C: "Dissatisfied isn't the right word. They were a little too... enthusiastic. I mean the woman stole my parking space - a simple beating would have been enough."
OS Operator: "Understood sir. We'll dispatch Klaus and Osgard this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day..."

The Lucky Streak Comes to an End

2005-03-30T16:44:00.000-08:00

So I've been riding for over twenty years now, and in that time I've been VERY fortunate to only have one friend killed in a motorcycle accident. It was a long time ago, and he was more of an acquaintance than a close friend, but it still hit home. He was away at college, riding to work, when a car pulled out in front of him. He hit the car broadside, and died of a broken neck.

I've slowed down over the years and don't ride as aggressively as I used to. I'm fairly active on a few marque specific motorcycle boards, and I remember thinking how fortunate us R1100S riders were, since very few of us crashed. Visit some of the other motorcycle boards, and it seems like they lose a rider every month.

Our streak has sadly come to an end. Last fall, one of the senior members of the board was nearly killed when he collided with a minivan. It's now six months later, and he's still in a rehab hospital. There is a chance (albeit a slim one) that he will someday walk again, but his riding days are over.

Two weeks ago another senior board member was in a crash, and it cost him his life. A simple error in judgement, a few feet too deep into the corner; this time there were no second chances. He was 31 years old.

I didn't know him well, had never ridden with him and had never spoken to him in real life. Still, we shared a common interest and he ALWAYS made me laugh. He just knew how to push peoples buttons - even if he pissed you off, you'd still walk away laughing.

With all the news exposure to the Terry Schiavo case, I'll be drafting a living will in the near future. For me, there is one indisputable rule: if I'm on life support, and there is no chance that I'll ever be able to ride again - pull the plug.

Anyway, Shannon - ride on, amigo. Wherever you are, you're making people laugh.

National Parks that can kill you...

2005-03-27T14:51:00.000-08:00

I just got back from a few days in Florida, and had the chance to visit Ft. Jefferson (America's most inaccessible National Park). Located on a tiny island some 70 miles west of Key West, Ft. Jefferson is surrounded by....

Nothing.

Water. Lots of water, most of it shallow.

The National Park was established in an effort to protect the fort, which was built around the time of the Civil War, but abandoned by 1874. Here's a view from the air:

Anyway, what's particularly cool about this National Park is that it's quite easy to get maimed, crippled or killed there. Lots of loose masonry, lots of long drops into shallow water (probably bouncing off of rocks on the way down), lots of open balconies with no guard rails. Get hurt, and you are at LEAST an hour or two away from medical care. Think about this for a second: in today's pasteurized, sealed-for-your-protection, sue at the drop of a hat world, how many places can you visit that have ANY element of risk? Not many...

So here's the moral, boys and girls: life is short, so take big bites. Do something that's a little dangerous, a little out there. Without adventure, life isn't worth living anyway.

Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it?

2005-03-27T14:39:00.000-08:00

I've been gone for a while - haven't blogged in over two months. I'd like to tell you that I was kidnapped by aliens and taken to an alternate world where I was mated with a porn star in a misguided attempt to populate their world (ala Billy Pilgrim). I'd like to tell you that I've spent the last sixty days in rehab, since that's such the chic and trendy thing to do (dry out and cash in selling your story to the National Enquirer, next to the "Couple says they'll keep their three headed baby" headline).

Perhaps I was wrongly imprisoned in a Mexican jail (really officer, I didn't know that was illegal). Perhaps my occasional anger management issues got the better of me (sure, your honor, I kicked the crap out of him, but he had it coming - really).

Or perhaps I've temporarily run out of things to talk about.

Sadly, that is indeed the case. Kinda hard to come up with fresh fodder in the off season, when week days last fourteen hours between commuting and work. How many times can I bitch about how bad drivers are getting, or about how much a 110 mile per day commute sucks? We all have our crosses to bear.

Anyway, it's a dry spell. So what's new with you?

And what did we learn this week boys & girls?

2005-01-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

Me? I learned, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I could not live in the bible belt. Business took me down there and I've gotta tell you it was one freaky motherfuckin' trip. To quote someone, I was "edgier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" by the time I flew back.

Consider these random snippets of adventure:

1) Dining in a hole-in-the-wall Mexican dive, and suddenly discovering you're the sole gringo in a room full of Latin Kings. Like the cars in the lot shouldn't have raised a red flag. "What could go wrong", thinks I...

2) The woman at the grocery store (dressed in sweats) with the two kids (screaming at the top of their lungs) while she calmly chatted on her cell phone. The big hair and perfect fingernails clued me in to the fact that she was a world reknowned neurosurgeon, undoubtedly talking to a colleague about the latest techniques in sub-cranial suturing.

Yes, boys and girls, we're fucked as a country and perhaps a civilization. I sometimes think a massive comet strike would be a grand improvement...

3) Walking to lunch, when suddenly an episode of "Cops" breaks out at a neighboring apartment complex. Yelling, followed by broken glass, followed by screams and the sound of more breaking glass. My colleagues stand and watch, slack jawed, while I look for cover to call the police before the bullets start flying. Just another day in paradise...

4) The five AM drive to the airport (75 miles away) in an ice storm, driving a rental car, with religious programming and eighty seven different kinds of country music to listen to. Who knew that there's such a thing as "electric country", "classic country" or "hip-hop country"; still, all the basic country themes (trucks, drinking and being done wrong by a woman named Lucinda) are there.

On the plus side, I did finish "Ghost Rider" by Neal Peart. Decent enough book if you're a Rush fan or bike person, but not exactly a fun read. It's all about how tragedy shapes our lives and hardens us, and Neal knows a thing or two about tragedy. In a two year period, he lost a 19 year old daughter in a car accident, lost his wife of 20+ years to cancer, lost his dog and saw his best friend imprisoned. And you thought YOU were having a shitty year.

Bike Guy on Winter Driving

2005-01-08T08:08:00.003-08:00

So I've been driving now for about 23 years, all of which have been spent in places with real winters. Some (Colorado, for example) have pretty consistant winters - you know what to expect and rarely get surprises. Other places (like Minnesota and New Jersey) offer a mixed bag of wintertime driving grief - snow one day, black ice and freezing rain the next. I'd have to say I've amassed a good knowledge about what works and what doesn't, so below please find a few helpful tips for you, dear reader:

1) Don't be an asshat. This is the big one, boys and girls. When the weather sucks, you need to chill out. You're NOT going to get to work (or home) on time. It's going to take longer and you're going to be dealing with people who are scared shitless and REALLY shouldn't be on the road at all. Kick back, give the drivers around you a break (and a little more following distance) and be happy that you'll get where you're going eventually.

2) Don't buy into the myth of all wheel drive. Yes, AWD (or four wheel drive) can help you get moving on snow and ice, but that's about it. It will NOT help you stop quicker or (generally speaking) turn faster. I can't count the number of 4wd pickups and AWD SUVs that blew by me on Wednesday's hellish black ice commute to work. At 70 MPH on ice, hit the brakes and you're about a missle with absolutely ZERO control, regardless of how many wheels you've got driving.

3) If you live where it snows regularly (and YOU drive regularly), you NEED snow tires. Not all season radials, snow tires. Why? They give you the best possible handling (and therefore greatest safety margin) in winter conditions (snow, ice and just plain cold weather). A set of GOOD snows, mounted on steel wheels won't set you back a fortune - in fact, they'll generally cost less than your $500.00 insurance deductible, which you may need to cough up if you DON'T have snows.

On Wednesday I passed a guy in a brand new BMW M3 who'd just spun on ice and destroyed his front suspension. Why the fuck would you buy a BMW M3 and try to drive it in the winter on "summer only" high performace tires? If you can't afford to buy snow tires for a car like that then you certainly can't afford to drive it, can you?

What's my beef with all season radials? Nothing really - they're fine if you only need to drive to and from the grocery store and never drive in deep snow or on ice. Otherwise, they're too much of a compromise. When was the last time you heard about a revolutionary new vacuum cleaner/blender/home computer/marital aid/ice cream maker?

4) Front wheel drive or rear wheel drive? I've had both, and I actually prefer rear wheel drive. Why? Better balance, better handling. Front wheel drive carries most of the weight in the front, which provides marginally better traction on level ground. Basic physics tell us that weight transfer occurs under acceleration, which takes weight OFF the front and applies it to the rear. Likewise, braking transfers weight TO the front wheels, which raises the potential of breaking traction on slippery surfaces.

Rear wheel drive gives me good enough traction and better handling, especially with good snow tires.

5) SUVs and pickups are top heavy and more prone to rollover accidents. If you really need AWD and want your wife / husband / lover / invisible friend to be safe, buy them an AWD sedan or wagon. Size does NOT equal safety - handling and proper driver training equals safety. It's not like you don't have choices, either - almost every automaker now builds AWD cars and wagons, in damn near every price point. And yes, you still need snow tires with AWD.

6) Distance, distance, distance. Increase your following distance in bad weather, both to give you more braking room and to see the road in front of you. Few things suck as much as changing a tire in a snowstorm by the side of the road because you just pretzeled a wheel and blew a tire after hitting a monster pothole. Safe driving in the winter is all about giving yourself options - room to brake, swerve and regain control.

7) Big wheels may look cool, but they're no good in pothole country. Yo cuz, I know that rollin' on dubs is badass (especially for a playa like you), but wadding those spinners on the LIE or Cross Bronx is an Opie move. Downsize, see? Sixteens with snows may not scream "Baller", but they WILL keep more bling in your pocket, dig?

My car came with 17" wheels. For winter driving I've got a set of 16" wheels with taller tires. Sure, the car doesn't stick as well in corners on dry pavement, but I don't need to replace the wheel and tire everytime I hit a pothole. Need advice on what works for you? Visit the Tire Rack (and no, I'm not a paid spokesmodel).

Anyway, enough of my preaching. Let's be safe out there.

Some Thoughts on New Years Resolutions

2004-12-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

Ah, January 1st - the time of the year when everyone is thinking about a fresh start. "This year I will ______ less or _____ more" - feel free to choose from a host of options, including (but not limited to) eat, smoke, masturbate, sleep, watch porn, vote republican, eat sugary cereals and watch 'Jackass'.

Me? I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. It's not that I don't have room for improvement, mind you - it's just that the idea of making a pact with yourself to become a better person seems kind of...pointless. Has anyone ever kept a New Year's resolution (such as losing weight, quitting smoking, cutting back on drinking, etc.) for more than a few weeks? It's almost like the very point of making resolutions is to break them; why, exactly, would I set myself up to fail?

If you're reading this, thanks. Really, I appreciate you occasionally stopping by to see what new infectious matter has seeped uncontained from my cerebellum. As a reward, I offer you the following New Years promises:

1) I will not make any resolutions. But then you already guessed this.
2) I will blog more in 2005 than in the closing months of 2004. I've started a new job, run low on topics, blah, blah, blah. In other words, I've just gotten lazy, and for that I apologize.
3) I'll even add photos to my blog in the near future. Just as soon as my cro-magnon brain figures out the coding and finds a new host site.
4) I WILL get my shit together in the coming year, job wise. I've tried to avoid talking about work in my blog, because the LAST thing you need is another guy bitching about how much his job sucks. I'll leave it at this: I started a new job on December 1st, which I've grown to dislike immensely in under 30 days. Quitting would be career suicide, and I'd have to find a completely new career or line of work. If for NO OTHER reason, you should check back here regularly to see if I've flushed it all. Who knows - I may be coming to a homeless shelter near you...
5) I'll ride more in '05. I've gotten away from riding, and this in itself is disturbing. Without the bike, I've got precious little to reboot my karma, and that's not a good thing for a guy who owns guns.
6) I'll be better about reading your blogs as well. Let's face it - we don't do this for the money. We write these blogs because we want others to read them and give us feedback. In 2005 I'll be better about giving you my opinions, whether you want them or not.
7) I will try to stay sane in an insane world. We're living in dangerously odd times. Times where little girls can be arrested for bringing scissors to school, and times where you can't say "bitch" on the radio for fear of bringing down the wrath of the FCC. Somehow, it's obscene to show the naked human form (even as marble statues) but perfectly permissable to let TV televangelists offer to save your soul for the low, low introductory price of only $59.95 (buy now and we'll throw in this fabulous Ginsu knife collection). Yes, brothas and sistas, these are fucked up times, but I promise you this - I'll take point and charge blindly into the fog, as long as I can count on you to cover my back. Fair enough?

So there are my New Year's anti - resolutions. I hope you all have a happy and healthy New Year, and I wish you much joy and good fortune in the coming year. One thing's for sure - it's bound to be an adventure.

Peace!

Bike Guy

Ten Things to do Before I Die

2004-12-11T11:48:00.000-08:00

Most people have a "ten places to go" or a "ten people to meet" list that they hope to accomplish in their lifetimes. I don't. In fact, I've never really sat down to hash this out before, so I reserve the right to edit the list as other things come to mind. Truth be told, I am mercilessly ripping the idea off from the short lived TV show "Boomtown", where one of the key characters had a list of ten things to do before he died. Unlike him, "banging a hooker" was never really that important to me.

So without further ado, here are the ten things (off the top of my head) I hope to do before going on to hang with Zevon:

1) Ride a motorcycle across the desert at night. If you've never traveled the desert at night, I'm not sure I can explain this one to you. There is something mystical about it - distances become irrelevant, and visual perception becomes suspect. Are those approaching lights a mile away, ten miles away or 50 feet away? If, on the other hand, you HAVE driven across the desert at night, well - you understand why I'd want to do this.

2) Write a best selling novel - yeah, I know - it's cliche. Still, I've got it in me: I know, with absolute certainty, that one day I'll sit down at a keyboard and bang out the great American novel. In one sitting. Without interruption.

3) Drive a car that scares me. As a former racer and driving instructor, I've driven a fair number of vehicles, from the mundane to the extraordinary. Ironically, I've yet to drive a car that put the fear of God into me, and I'd like to experience this once before I die. Perhaps a race tuned Group B Quattro on a gravel rally course, or an F1 car from the glory days of the turbo era (1200 HP from 4 cylinders). Anything that would produce soiled Nomex is fine with me...

4) Own a Beck Spyder. Although this is the world's LEAST practical car (two seats, no usable top or storage room, no heat, radio or air conditioning), it is the one example I can think of where a copy is better than the original (the 1955 Porsche 550 Spyder). I also think it's the most beautiful car ever designed, but hey - your mileage may vary.

5) Fly on a supersonic aircraft. I didn't realize until after the Concorde was grounded that I REALLY wanted to fly on it. Just once. Maybe the days of supersonic passenger air travel aren't over, and I'll get another chance.

6) Take an extended driving/riding tour of the US. Gotta bang out that novel first, but when the bills are paid and the cash is in the bank, you can color me and the missus gone for a good six months or so. I need to go find the REAL America - it's out there, underneath the megastores, malls, chain restaurants and other pre-digested culture. Don't worry - I'll send you a postcard when I find it.

7) Build a house of my own. Sure I like the place I live in now, but someone else built it. A house of my own design and construction would fit me like a glove - I'd know where everything was, how everything was built, why things were done a certain way. Hell, if I can get a lucrative contract for my SECOND novel, I may even build summer AND winter houses.

8) Revisit Berlin and Stuttgart. I was last in Berlin in 1981, before the wall came down. It was an eye-opening experience for me as a teenager, and I'd love to go back and see it again post-communism. Spent some time in Stuttgart as well, and found it more charming than Munich.

There's also a branch of the family that remains a mystery. Apparently my German grandfather had more than one wife and more than one set of children. Wouldn't mind learning more about THAT...

9) Learn to play guitar. For me, this is slightly MORE ambitious that walking on the moon, since I have absolutely NO musical talent whatsoever. There's just something that feels right about holding a guitar, and I've got more obscure guitar knowledge than most musicians. All I need is lessons, practice and time. And a guitar.

10) Do a frame-off restoration of a classic car. Maybe a '68 Camaro or a '69 Mach 1 Mustang, I dunno. I'm a realist - there's stuff (like paintwork and upholstery) that I don't have the talent or patience to do. The mechanical stuff I could easily jump right into; hell, I've even got all the tools I'd need. For a gearhead like me, few things could be more satisfying.

So the common thread to my list appears to be cash. With a few exceptions, all of my "to do" list requires a great deal of green stuff. Any chance I could get you guys to buy my novel in advance?

If There Was Something We Could Do...

2004-11-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

to make the world a better place with very little impact on our day-to-day lives, wouldn't we do it? If each of us knew how to make the world more liveable with absolutely no personal sacrifice, who among us wouldn't act on this?

Well, boys and girls, there IS something you can do to make this world more liveable. It won't cost you any money, you don't need to join any clubs and absolutely no salespeople are standing by to take your information. This one little thing will lower blood pressure, promote happiness and tranquility, and potentially add years to your lives. For women, it will reduce symptoms of PMS, enlarge your breast size and take an inch or so off your hips. Men, you will increase the length and girth of your manhood - overnight. Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back!

So what, exactly, am I rambling on about? What can we all do to gain this state of enlightened happiness? Simple - learn the following mantra. Know it, embrace it, chant it - but most of all, practice it. The mantra? "Keep right, pass left".

OK, you try it now. I'll wait...

See? "Keep right, pass left" just kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn't it?

Now, how exactly will this make the world a better place? Well for starters, it's about being aware of your fellow citizens and it's equally about common courtesy. Why do so many road rage incidents occur in the US? Simple - one driver does something to piss another one off. It doesn't matter how fast you drive, there are always those who choose to drive faster. Unless you're a member of the law enforcement community, it's not your job to set the travel speed in the left lane. The left lane, on any divided highway, is the PASSING lane. The right lane(s) are the travel lanes. Hence, you should drive (aka travel) in the center lane or right lane, and use the left lane to pass slower traffic.

The left lane should NOT be used to slow down traffic while you engage in cell phone conversation with your mother, broker, analyst or parole officer. It should not be used while you simultaneously drive and eat , apply makeup or pick your nose and eat it (don't think those around you can't see this, either). The left lane is for PASSING slower traffic; when you have done this, the proper thing to do is merge into the right (or center) TRAVEL lane. Now, what's the mantra again? "Keep right, pass left".

Why do I have such a stick up my ass about this today? Because I very nearly got waffled on Monday on account of a driver hogging the left lane. A car closed on the one blocking traffic and swerved into my lane - without bothering to see if the lane was occupied. Only good reflexes and the ability to threshold brake prevented me from a very nasty impact in heavy traffic at around 70 MPH. Had the women in question not been blocking the left lane (where she'd been for around 10 miles), the whole incident would never have occured.

We've become a "fuck you" society where civility and manners no longer exist. We do things in our four-wheeled armored cages that we would NEVER do to others face to face. We curse other drivers, flip them off, tailgate, cut them off and generally endanger their well being. When was the last time you walked up to a stanger on the street, flipped them off and arrogantly stepped in front of them? Now, how often have you done a similar thing while driving. See what I mean?

"Keep right, pass left" begins to take on a higher meaning when you ponder these other aggressive behaviors. It comes down to this - show your other drivers a little courtesy and a little respect, and don't be surprised when they do the same to you. What do you have to lose, except a longer, thicker penis, a few inches on your hips and a longer, happier life?

It Seems to Me...

2004-11-17T05:50:00.000-08:00

...that the very desire to hold public office makes you essentially unfit to hold that office. Politicians, in general, are self absorbed, obsessed with power and have the moral fiber of a sewer rat (with no disrespect meant towards sewer rats). No matter what office you hold, chances are you have greater ambitions and really don't give a shit about the people you're supposed to serve. It's all about getting to the next level - more money, more face time, more power.

Given that the President of the United States makes less than $100k per year and has essentially NO leisure time (well, GWB excluded), why would anyone in their right mind WANT to be president? Love him or hate him, but Clinton had the right idea - the ONLY valid reason to be president is to meet women.

I think it's time for a radical sea change in US politics, so here's what I propose: instead of electing the next US president (who will be nothing but a puppet controlled by big business and special interests anyway), why not hold a lottery to pick the president at random? Sure, we'd need some criteria to keep people like Geoffrey Dahmer, Courtney Love or Ralph Nader from getting elected, so let's start with these ground rules:

1) Education - must have at least a bachelor's degree from an accredited college or university. I'll take BA or BS degrees; what we're looking for here is an indication that you've been exposed to education and (perhaps) multiple cultures.

2) Criminal history - no felony convictions, and no misdemeanor convictions in the last 10 years. Unlike Bill Clinton, many of us were actually smart enough to inhale in our younger years; no sense being punished for that years later.

3) Credit score - this is a tough one, since a lot of people will bitch that requiring a high credit score will eliminate too many candidates. Tough shit, says I - if you can't manage a checkbook, you damn sure can't run a country. I'm suggesting a minimum credit score of 700.

4) Age and nationality - I'm all for keeping it at 35, but why not open it up to anyone who's been a US citizen for 15 or more years. After all, aren't we a society of immigrants who've been kicked out of every civilized nation in the world?

5) Compensation - if ball players can make tens of millions of dollars, we can certainly afford to pay the president a few sheckles more. I say start with a base salary of one million, with bonus opportunities for balancing the budget, reducing the deficit, creating jobs, negotiating world peace, fixing social security and improving healthcare. It's a shitty job, so you might as well be amply compensated while you're doing it.

6) Psych evaluation - yeah, if police need to pass a basic screening, it's probably a good idea that the president should pass one, too. Of course this would have prevented LBJ, Nixon, GWB and a host of others from ever holding office...

7) Passport - ABSOLUTELY mandatory. If you've never traveled abroad and experienced other cultures, then you have no business as a world leader. I say the minimum criteria here is maintaining a current passport for at least 20 years.

I'm sure I'm missing some important screening criteria, but this seems like a good place to stop. Could we really be worse off electing a random, educated American than we are with the bozo currently in office? Personally, I don't think so.

So While the US Was Putting Men on the Moon...

2004-11-13T13:08:00.000-08:00

Japan was inventing the perfect toilet seat.

Now don't get me wrong - I appreciate the bravery of our astronauts and the benefits derived from our space program (even if I can't name very many off the top of my head), but we've lost the race for bathroom perfection to the Japanese.

If you've never experienced the "Assmaster 5000" (or whatever the name translates to), allow me to describe what a five speed toilet seat does. First, you get to select your heat setting from "Off" to "Leave Charred Flesh Sticking To The Seat". If you've never sat on a heated toilet seat; well then - you really haven't lived.

I'll spare you the details on bodily functions (since we all do pretty much the same thing), but when you're done the Assmaster allows you to select several functions: bidet, for the ladies or "Assblaster" for the men. You can adjust water pressure, water temperature and duration until your ass is minty fresh. When your done, the handy "Deodorize" button removes any offending odors for the next user.

After two weeks in Japan, I'm in no hurry to return. The beds are small and uncomfortable, the food quickly grows old (I never thought I'd be sick of eating sushi, but there can indeed be too much of a good thing) and it's amazing how much you miss being able to read street signs. For me, the culture was a little TOO foreign - I fit right in in Europe, get along fine in the UK, but always felt like I was on another planet in Japan. Still, I'm already missing the "just washed freshness" provided by the Assmaster toilet seats. Maybe I can become the first US importer....

I'm Outta Here For a While...

2004-11-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

I'll be traveling overseas on business and won't have anything resembling free time. I'll be back mid-month with tales of intrigue and adventure.

Stay well, amigos and amigettes, and I shall catch you on the flip side.

- Bike Guy

Did you know....

2004-11-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

...that the current Bush administration has never hosted a state dinner? Now, let me clarify one thing - this news came from a rather unique source. I took a cheese and bread making class at a local dairy yesterday, and it turns out that they have supplied cheese to the White House chef for the past two administrations. Since the Bush's have the same chef as the Clinton's did, nothing has changed. Except entertaining.

Now, stop and think about this for a moment. Every president has allotted a certain amount of time for entertaining at state dinners (Bush Sr. was a BIG fan of hosting dinners). Yes, they're political and I'm sure they're as much fun as your company Christmas party; still, they build and strengthen necessary bonds between allies and potential allies. They put a human face on politics and (I'm sure) lead to many "behind the scenes" deals.

If you were a card carrying Republican, I suppose you could argue that we are a nation at war, and hosting such unnecessary events as dinners is a frivilous luxury we can't afford. I'm not buying it. Could it be that we host no state dinners because:

1) We're running out of allies to attend? "Hey Laura: the German, French, Belgian, Canadian, Greek, Austrian and Mexican ambassadors all have dentist appointments and can't make tonight's soiree. That leaves us and the Blair's again; wanna do the usual take-out Chinese and rental-porn-wife-swap thing?"

2) George Bush really can't be trusted to interact with world leaders without his handlers? Think about it; in times of crisis, it's not Bush deep inside the bunker - it's Dick Cheney.

And vacations - don't get me started on vacations. Has any president had as much down time as Bush? Where is he awaiting the election results? You guessed it; Crawford, Texas. Do you get the feeling that Cheney, Rumsfeld, Ashcroft, et. al. want him out of sight and out of Washington as much as possible? Can't let the president get in the way of running the country, now can we...

My wife's got a great theory, and it's probably the only reason I'm not moving to Canada if Bush gets re-elected. She thinks that a year or so into the administration, Cheney will resign for "health reasons". The guy's got a bad ticker and knows he'll never be president (which is, anyway, a step down from his current position as dictator). She thinks that the ace up the Republican's sleeve will be Rudy Giuliani.

The irony? I'd vote for Giuliani in a heartbeat. He's tough, he's fair and he's intelligent - all the things I want in a president. It's a damn shame he's not running this year, because I'd feel a lot better voting for a candidate I admire instead of one that just sucks less than the other.

Think it's too late to start a grass roots write in campaign for Rudy?

Ever Travel by Train in the US?

2004-10-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

I recently took Amtrak from New York's Penn Station to Washington DC. If you haven't ridden the rails before, let me tell you - it's an eye opening experience. In a lot of ways, it's a real life diorama on the decline of the American empire.

Rail lines were built to support factories and vice versa. A point A to point B trip by rail (in the industrialized east, anyway) is a neverending tour of shuttered, decaying factories, boarded up tenements, crack houses and shooting galleries. It is a tutorial on gang related graffiti, as well as a good illustration of our crumbling infrastructure. Train platforms and stations are in various stages of disrepair, and feature peeling paint, crumbling concrete, rusting metal fixtures and poor (if any) lighting. Even the train cars are in sad shape; if you boarded an airplane that looked like the car I rode in, you'd get the hell off - quick.

Amtrak is in the hole again this year. Let's examine why:

1) It is less expensive and more convenient to travel by air. Regular train fare from NYC to DC is about $30 MORE expensive than a Continental flight.
2) The Acela Express train is about double the cost of flying, and only gets you there thirty minutes faster that Amtrak's regular service.
3) Airports feature convenient, safe parking. Train stations do not.
4) The rail cars are not in good shape and the seats are far from comfortable. Or clean.
5) Beacuse of extensive track work, there really is no such thing as a "on time" arrival. "On time" for Amtrak apparently means less than twenty minutes late.

On the plus side, the people were friendly and the coffee was pretty good. Is that enough to ride Amtrak again? Probably not.

Ten Things You May Not Know About Me

2004-10-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

In homage to Darth, Inkeddaisy and Jane D'oh, et al., I give you ten things you may NOT know about me. Of course this implies that you may INDEED know these things about me, in which case I apologize in advance for the boring read. Life's a bitch and then you die...

1) When riding a motorcycle I do not drink. Not a single beer, not a glass of wine, nada. Eight hours from bottle to throttle is my minimum.

Sadly, this was not always the case. Coming back from closing down my favorite bar, riding drunk in the rain, I nearly got waffled by a car that ran a red light. For some reason I backed off the throttle before entering the intersection; instead of hitting me, the car t-boned another next to me. There but for the grace of God go I.

It's amazing that any of us survive our college years.

2) I have "driver's intuition", that little voice inside your head that tells you to "slow the fuck down - NOW". This has saved my ass more times than I care to think about.

Please note that while a "little voice inside your head" can be a good thing, "Voices" inside your head are very, very bad. Especially if they tell you to do harm to yourself or others. Or vote for George Bush.

3) I have never in my life gone ice skating. Not once.

4) I have an uncanny ability to look at any car on the road in the United States and immediately identify Make, Model and approximate Year. This, in no way, shape, or form is a marketable skill.

5) I can spell words extremely fast; nearly as fast as I speak. Again, an utterly useless skill unless I'm trying to say something I don't want the dog to understand. Fortunately for me, he's not much of a speller. He is learning, though...

6) I am fanatical about most things automobile related. I change my own oil, own seperate wheels and tires for winter and summer on all cars and cannot have others work on my vehicles without double checking their work. Which, incidently, is never done to my satisfaction.

Sweet mother of God, does no one own a torque wrench anymore?

7) I believe that gun control is the ability to hit your target. I grew up with guns, and am equally comfortable with a handgun, shotgun or rifle. I believe that kids should be taught from an early age to respect guns, not fear them.

Ironically, I am not a hunter. But I do make a kickass venison chili.

8) I have voted in every presidential election since 1984. I have never registered as a Democrat or a Republican, but have voted more Republican than Democatic in my life. I assure you, that won't be happening on November 2.

9) I have had some damn strange things happen to me in life. Things that prove that God is indeed alive, and that he's got one hell of a sense of humor.

10) I've been married to my best friend for over fifteen years now. She is the first and only person I can say I'd take a bullet for. What she sees in me, I have no fucking idea.

And, just because you've read this far, I'm throwing in a bonus number 11 (satisfaction guaranteed or your money back):

11) I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever. I cannot sing, harmonize or even remotely carry a tune. I've tried to play the guitar, trumpet, piano, recorder and harmonica, all with equal degrees of failure. In fact, I'm fairly confident that I could earn a good living having people pay me to NOT sing.

Dick Cheney Has Jumped The Shark

2004-10-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday, Mr. Cheney made the following statement:

"The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans."

His intention was to illustrate that given a worst case scenario, the current administration would be in a better position to respond than Mr. Kerry's administration. This is, of course, based on nothing more than speculation - in the event of a nuclear, biological or chemical attack on a US city, we wouldn't be "responding" to anyone.

Since he raised the question, I have a few of my own for the vice president:

1) Let's assume a worst case scenario (like you proposed), of simultaneous nuclear detonations in multiple cities across the US. How exactly would we respond? It seems to me that our military, already stretched too thin in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, would need to be recalled to provide security, render aid and deliver supplies. Wouldn't his cause the collapse of the current Iraqi government, send the entire Middle East into a state of upheaval and most likely create World War Three? Since you raised the question, Mr. Vice President, I'd really like to see your action plan for coping with just such a catastrophe.

2) Again, thinking about worst case scenarios. Let's assume (this time) that there's a biological attack on several US cities. If we can't even sort out a simple flu vaccine problem, what are the chances we could produce enough vaccines to combat smallpox (or any other potential nasties) in an acceptable time frame? Can we safely assume that the chances are slim to none?

3) Throwing out the "what if" worst case scenarios, can you give me our potential responses to the following:
a. A direct hit from a large (< 1km across) meteor on US soil?
b. An invasion from a hostile race of extraterrestrials with superior technology?
c. Simultaneous catastrophic natural disasters (what happens if the San Andreas fault lets go, Mt. St. Helens explodes, another hurricane demolishes a major metro area in the southeast while tornadoes wreak havoc across the plains)? Surely you have a plan to deal with this, while John Kerry does not.

Yes, Mr. Cheney, I'm being sarcastic. Quite frankly, we both know what the proper response in any of the above situations will be - put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. Neither the Bush administration nor the Kerry administration would be in a postion to do anything about the above threats - it comes down to reaction.

And if the worst did happen, I'd want John Kerry in that underground bunker, not George Bush. Why?

1) Kerry actually has combat experience.
2) Kerry would be more likely to get aid from our former allies. Let's face it - John Kerry hasn't pissed off all of Europe like your administration has.
3) Kerry (I believe) would focus more on rendering aid and rebuilding the infrastructure than on bombing a country with possible terrorist links.

It's been said, Mr. Cheney, that you can "fool some of the people some of the time and jerk the rest off". I'm telling you that's not always the case.

Outsourcing and You

2004-10-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

I've been banking with the same company for the past 12 years, and I just learned something new about them: virtually all of their IT and telephone based customer service has been outsourced to India. That DOES NOT make me a happy camper, and as soon as I have the chance I'll be moving all of my accounts to a bank that uses US based employees.

Now, before you label me a xenophobe or a racist or a classist or an elitist, let me say that I have nothing against India or the Indian peoples. I admire their work ethic and their focus on the family as the center of life. I've also got to say that they make some kick ass food; however, this is war and in war there are casualties.

Yes, I'm aware that the US is not at war with India (yet - give GWB some more time and he'll find a reason, believe me); it's a class war I'm talking about. I'm stepping up to the plate to defend my position in the middle class. If I don't start to make a stand - who will?

I have every intention of writing to the president of the bank to let him know why I'm pulling my business. I haven't drafted the letter yet, but I'm envisioning something along these lines:

Dear Sir:

You don't know me, but I've been a customer of yours for the past twelve years. I've had everything from checking and savings accounts through home equity loans at your bank, but that is in the past. I have pulled my business from your bank and I will not return; I did feel it was my duty to inform you why I've come to this decision.

You've outsourced middle income US jobs to India, and I as a middle class American cannot support this action.

I understand the logic behind it, and I understand the reasons you've made these cost cutting decisions. I'm here to tell you that you've made the wrong choice. Putting Americans out of work to boost earnings per share is not only wrong, it is morally reprehensible. How much is enough, in regards to earnings? Today IT and customer service has been outsourced to India; what comes next? Hiring illegals as tellers for dirt cheap wages?

I, hopefully, am not alone in my actions. I have asked others to support my decision and to take similar actions. While the loss of one customer is insignificant, the loss of many WILL be noticeable.

This is a war, Mr. Bank President, and you've fired the first shot. It's my duty to defend myself, my country and my way of life.

Sincerely,

Bike Guy

So, boys and girls - do me this favor: next time you call up to order something from a US based mail order catalog - ask them where the call center is located. If it's outside the US, just say "Thank you, but I cannot support outsourcing of US jobs" and hang up. As your bank where their IT department is located - if it's overseas, thank them and pull your money. Do a little research before you sign on with that accounting firm or that legal firm - chances are they're outsourcing accountants or paralegals, too.

I'm not in any danger of having my job outsourced - yet. I imagine most of you are in the same boat. Still, if we don't take action now, how long before our jobs are located in India or the Philippines? Speaking for myself, neither country sounds too appealing.

Some Thoughts on Dogs

2004-10-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

There are dog guys and there are non-dog guys (there's also a separate-but-equal category of cat guys, but that's a discussion for a whole other time); I, am a dog guy. Got one myself, and I have learned through the years to speak fluent dog. Ironically, my dog also understands English; he does, however march to his own drummer. Not much for conversation, either.

Actually bought a purebred dog once (years ago), and it was nothing but trouble. Turns out he was the runt of the litter, and routinely got his ass kicked by his brothers and sisters. After two weeks of sheer hell, and at the recommendation of our vet, we took the dog back to the breeder. Large breed dogs with behavioral problems and psychological scars do not make for good company. Or low insurance rates.

Got our current dog from a shelter - he's half German Shepard and half Golden Retriever. Was abused as a puppy (beaten by his previous male owner), so he had some issues to work through. The first time he saw me, it was NOT love at first site - he backed away, tail between his legs, growling with teeth bared through the bars of his cage. "Fuck you", he seemed to say "I'm not taking another newspaper upside the head. Come in this cage, on MY turf, and I will rip you limb from motherfucking limb".

Always up for a challenge, my wife and I took him outside. He was indifferent to her - two homes in a year and a half will do that to a dog - but kept his distance from me. She'd throw a ball, he'd run over and grab it (not bring it back - just grab it). I'd throw a ball, he'd give me the attitude filled glance, like "I got your ball right here...". So I waited, let him sniff around a bit, before I got down on my hands and knees and charged him. He stopped what he was doing, tilted his head and shot me a "WTF?" look. I charged him again, this time slapping the ground in front of him. It clicked instantly, and the only way I can describe his expression was, "Holy fuck - YOU SPEAK DOG!". He mock charged me and backed off; I did the same. In fifteen minutes of wrestling on a cold, dirty concrete patio I was able to undo a year and a half of mistreatment. It took time, but he learned that not all guys suck.

He's been with us for about ten years now, and he's still in great health. Half clown and half bodyguard (once got between my wife and a black bear under our deck), he's always good company.

Why do I bring this up? Because we're doing a fund raiser dog walk this weekend for the local animal shelter. If I can ask you a favor, it'd be this: next time you decide to get a dog, go look at your local shelter before running out to buy a purebred. There are a lot of dogs out there that need a good home.

Advertising That Annoys Me...

2004-10-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

As a society, we've grown desensitized to advertising. It takes more and more intrusion to get our attention. Consider:

- I (like millions of others) use Google's pop-up blocker. This 50 mg of acetominiphen has absolutely ZERO effect on the migraine-headache-strength pop-up ads on sites like Drudge Report. Now, granted Matt Drudge has become a little wacky in the past year (and is leaning more to the right than Hitler did), but it's still a good site to browse the headlines. Or at least it used to be, in the days before you had to wait for all the intrusive fucking ads to load BEFORE you could cancel them. So Matt - on the offhand chance you are reading this blog, I say ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING POP UP ADS FROM HELL. They are not effective, unless your goal is pissing off potential readers, in which case they work quite well.

- Magazine ads. It's no longer enough to insert a thousand 4x6 subscription cards into each issue (which DID come in handy as table footballs when folded), now advertisers are using stiff cardboard inserts that do NOT allow you to actually read the magazine, even when they're removed. What's next? Titanium inserts to shill your product? Hardened bulletproof steel plate? And to the publishers, I say - enough with selling ad space. Why is Road & Track now two hundred pages per month? Because 150 of them are ads, most for shit that car guys wouldn't buy anyway (trust me, our dicks are plenty big enough and no pill is going to enhance her pleasure). Ditto for Time magazine - infomercials, however well written, are still advertisements. If you're paying ME to read them, fine; last I looked, I was paying YOU for the subscription.

- Direct mail. I get enough credit card offers each month to wallpaper every house in America. Twice. Let me clue you guys in on something - I have all the credit cards I need. If I need another (like, for example all those times when another asshole would come in handy) I'll contact you, OK?

- Television. First, let me admit that I watch too much TV. Consider myself punched in the balls. Still, remember when an hour long TV program was like 50 minutes of entertainment and 10 minutes of ads? When did it become acceptable to give 40 minutes of show coupled with 20 minutes of ads? Did you think we wouldn't notice?

Every year, we wind up paying more for less as companies look for a way to cut costs. Let me offer a suggestion: can the in-your-face-advertising, take the savings and make a better product or reduce your price. I'm guessing that people will still buy what you're selling.

Driving, Cell Phones and You

2004-10-11T13:10:00.000-07:00

I've been reading about drivers using cell phones lately, and I've got to tell you it's some pretty scary shit. Per a recent University of Utah study, drivers who use cell phones (even hands free models):

1) Show GREATER impairment that drivers with BACs at the legal limit of intoxication (.08%)
2) Are 4x more likely to be involved in an accident than drivers not on cell phones, even if the call was WITHIN THE PAST 10 MINUTES!
3) Often "miss" visual cues - like stop signs and traffic signals - leading to accidents
4) Have longer braking reaction times than intoxicated drivers

Apparently humans have a threshold for distraction; speaking on a cell phone while driving crosses that threshold.

Now, let's stop and think about this for a second. Few among us regularly drive drunk. It's easy these days to find a designated driver, call a cab, take a bus or walk. No one wants the hassle of losing your license, having an accident, getting ass-raped with higher insurance rates, etc. Now matter how you slice it, the risks of driving drunk FAR outweigh any potential benefits.

But ALL of us drive while talking on the cell phone.

I'm pretty fanatical about using a headset (law by me, anyway), but even a hands free phone has no advantage in terms of distraction. I KNOW my driving ability goes down when I'm on the phone, so I try to limit my calls. If it's going to be a lengthy conversation, I'll pull off the road. If I can't, I just tell them "I'll call you back".

Now, let's step up and admit something else - NO ONE is as good behind the wheel as we think we are. "Fuck you", you say "There's nothing wrong with my driving". As a former racer and driving instructor, I'm here to tell you... you're not as good as you give yourself credit for.

So, what am I getting at here? The next time you go to make a cell phone call from the car, think about it. Do you NEED to make the call, or are you just filling the gaps in our lives between home and work? If you're calling to shoot the shit with a friend, why not just wait a few minutes and call them from home? Likewise, do you need to take the phone call from you mother (bitching that you never call HER anymore) while you're doing the rush hour slice and dice? Can't it wait until you get home?

Every time I'm behind the wheel or on the bike, I see things that leave me speechless. It is utterly fucking amazing that we are not dying by the millions each year on the roads. If everybody took a minute to inventory there own skills and rationalize their distractions (do you REALLY need to rub one out to a porn DVD on the way to work), we could really have an impact on things like accident rates, insurance rates, lawsuits and other general stupidity.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Today Was a GOOD Day

2004-10-10T13:27:00.000-07:00

A really, really good day. As I write this most of my major muscle groups are close to cramping. I can't put any weight on my left hand (thanks to a massive hematoma and half inch gash) and I'm gonna have some REALLY, REALLY cool new scars on my left calf.

Why is this good, you ask? Because I spent most of the morning and early afternoon riding mountain bikes (like a madman) with my oldest friend.

"Riding" is kind of a misnomer here. I was, admittedly, waay over my head attempting to ride some of the trails we did. Think, "extended hike and drawn out crash coupled by sections of occasional riding" and you get a better picture of what happened. Still, the weather was perfect, the leaves were changing and I was outdoors. Really hard to beat that.

I'm smoking a turkey, too - so got some damn fine eats coming my way in about another hour.

Next time I get pissed off about work or life in general, I've got to take a step back and think about why we work - it isn't for money, generally it isn't for glory - it's to give us the opportunity to spend quality time with friends and family. To occasionally enjoy days like today.

Let's Talk About Cars For a Change

2004-10-08T16:42:00.000-07:00

OK, I admit it - I'm an automobile slut.

I've been married for fifteen years, and I've never strayed on my wife. Never even came close. When it comes to cars, however, I cannot keep Mr. Happy in my pants.

In 23 years of driving (holy fuck - am I really THAT old), I have owned:

- 3 used cars
- 7 new cars
- 1 SCCA ITB race car

Doing the math, that means I have been "car monogamous" for about two years at a time. If you account for the fact that I owned only motorcycles for three of those 23 years, my car relationship skills are even worse; I can only stay faithful to my automobiles for 1.8 years at a time.

Now, let me explain - I buy a car with the best of intentions. At first, there is a mutual respect and a great deal of passion. Somewhere along the line, it goes south; I wake up one day and something new has caught my eye. Out with the old, in with the new - logic and financial reason be damned. I've owned Fords, Mitsubishis, Mazdas, Acuras, Volkswagens and (now) a BMW. It's not about status - I don't give a shit about other people's impressions of my car - it's about enjoyment. The thrill of tossing a car into a corner at speed, the feedback through the steering wheel as the front tires begin to push and the rears gently follow in a well-executed four wheel drift, the simple joys of skillfully matching revs on a down-shift... that's the stuff of dreams for me.

I think I finally found a soulmate; a worthy four wheel companion. I think about her regularly, and even make up reasons to sneak out to the garage ("Gotta see if I left the door unlocked - be right back"). It bugs me, REALLY bugs me when she's not clean. I give her the best - premium unleaded, oil changes at 3x the factory recommended intervals, Rain X on her windows...

Is it love? Yeah, I think it is. The past six months have been the happiest of my automotive life. Still, the new Mazdaspeed 6 was just announced, and you've gotta love 278 horsepower AND all wheel drive.

Maybe you should check back with me in another year...

An Open Letter to the Next President of the US

2004-10-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Sir:

I, the undersigned, represent an average cross section of America. Middle income, college educatated, no felony convictions, read the newspaper daily, watch rental porn occasionally and do not regularly attend church (but I've got friends who do, which I'm hoping will help me out come judgement day). I consider myself a patriotic American, one who proudly flies the flag at home, celebrates July 4th and even gets choked up during the Star Spangled Banner.

Frankly, Mr. President, I've got some concerns about the future of this country. From where I stand, it's going to hell in a handbasket (and NO ONE carries handbaskets anymore). Now I realize you've got a full plate and an army of staffers who can give you expert advice on a lot of subjects. Still, years of experience have taught me that "experts" rarely have a background in what they're "expert" in, just a fancy degree from an overpriced school. I've learned that sometimes you have to step back, ignore the experts and listen to the little people in the trenches.

So, anyway, here's what's on my mind:

1) The economy. It sucks. If anyone is telling you otherwise, they're blowing smoke up your ass. Middle income jobs are disappearing like lifeboat space on the Titanic. The job reports you're so fond of quoting? Bullshit, if you ask me. Go tell a 47 year old middle management drone with a wife, mortgage and two kids in college that his next job will be flinging burgers at the McBurgerland in the mall, because....THOSE are the companies that are hiring. NOT the middle income, put-a-roof-over-your-head-and-pay-the-bills jobs we've grown accustomed to.

Likewise with the unemployment numbers. I'll agree they're declining, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE RUNNING OUT OF BENEFITS AND DROPPING OFF REPORTS, NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING JOBS!

Sorry, I was shouting. I'll try to keep a calmer demeanor.

From where I sit, it looks like the middle class is going the way of the dodo. Now, Mr. President, do I really need to point out WHY this would be bad for your party's future?

So, what do I suggest? Well, how about the following:

a. Tax penalties for companies that outsource middle income jobs. Want to send customer service to Banglore? NO PROBLEM! You just get assessed 3x the salary in penalties of the job you just exported. Doesn't seem so attractive now, does it?

b. Tax benefits for companies that MANUFACTURE goods in the US. Not that we do that anymore, but we could.

c. The end of concessions for illegal immigrants. Yes, they take jobs that "Americans don't want", because companies pay them dirt cheap wages. Seal the borders, enact a realistic minimum wage and put American citizens who need jobs to work. You want to immigrate? Cool! Do it the same way my grandparents did - legally, with sponsorship.

2) The war in Iraq. Do I need to tell you that we should get the hell out? I'm not going to say we were right or wrong invading Iraq in the first place (but I'm not real comfortable with the idea of an "offensive defense"; we're supposed to be the GOOD GUYS, remember?), because what's done is done. Now, lets formulate a workable plan to pull our troops out:

a. Remember all those former allies, like Germany and France, that we told to fuck off? Well, now would be a good time to go back and offer them a slice of the pie. They send peacekeeping troops, they get some of the rebuilding business. Simple as that.

b. Iraqi self rule - speed up the process. The country is theirs, give it back to them. Yeah, I understand about all the rebel factions and the various tribes; you know what? It's their problem to solve. They've tasted democracy, they're not gonna be real happy going back to rule under an islamic dictator. Give 'em mocha frapachinos and The Gap, they'll forget all about jihad.

c. The money we're dumping into Iraq has gotta stop. We can't afford it. You probably don't do much driving on your own, but have you seen the state of our interstate highway system lately? It's a disgrace. Think "third world, only not quite as safe" and you'll get the idea. OUR infrastructure is crumbling; how about we focus on this for a while?

d. The "we're safer now than we were in 2000" argument is bullshit. As an American who travels abroad, I've got to tell you - it's hairy out there when you don't have an army of Secret Service guys covering your ass. Believe it or not, there are a lot of countries that don't like Americans anymore. Anything you can do to make me LESS of a target is greatly appreciated.

Look, I've rambled on enough here, so I'll cut this short. I'm here to help you, Mr. President, and I'm reasonably confident I can elist the help of a few thousand others. We'll roll up our sleeves, pitch in and do what's best for this country of ours. After all, isn't that what the greatest presidents hoped to achieve?

Best regards,

Bike Guy

I Have A Theory

2004-10-06T13:56:00.000-07:00

That time spent riding does not count towards the time you are alotted on this earth. Now bear with me, dear reader, because I'm asking you to make the following leaps of faith:

1) God, Vishnu, Buddha, Mohammed, Yahweh, etc. exists and he /she / it has a sense of humor and a biker mentality.
2) That free will has little effect on the time you're allowed here - in other words, when your number's up, your number's up. No sense worrying about what you can't control.

If my theory is correct, one could conceivable live forever, if you allowed yourself enough time in the saddle. This would go a long way towards explaining Keith Richards longevity.

Riding a bike at speed is a very relaxing, pseudo-religious affair. The perfect ride, like the perfect sermon, both relaxes and invigorates you. Hits the old "karmic reset button", and spins your meters back to zero.

Riding puts you in touch with yourself, with nature, with your creator - and if THAT ain't religion, boys and girls - well, it ought to be.

Before Motorcycles, There Were Bicycles

2004-10-05T05:27:00.000-07:00

In my life, that is. I've always had this jones for two wheeled transportation, and I can tell you (in lurid detail) about every bicycle I've ever owned. In high school, I updated a ten speed that I had as a kid to make it faster. My parents thought I was nuts, spending money on a bicycle when I'd be driving in a year or so. It didn't matter - even after I got my license, I STILL rode. I was a man possessed - I'd ride the four miles to work, spend all day wrenching on cars in the hot summer sun, ride home, go out for ANOTHER ride, then come home and wrench on the bike. I'd repack bearings, true wheels, adjust brakes - sometimes just tear shit down to clean it and rebuild it.

I sold that bike just before college and spent my money on a new Fuji 12 speed. In college, cycling was one of the ways I'd decompress from the pressures of life. I quickly adapted to the higher altitude (I went to school in Colorado), and began riding Flagstaff Mountain - the "toughest two miles in Boulder". Flagstaff was a bitch of a climb, and by the time you got to the summit you were exhausted. Your lungs were on fire, your legs like lifeless stumps - even your arms and chest hurt from wrenching on the bars during the climb. Now came the fun part: the 60 mph balls-out descent down the mountain. I rode like a lunatic, tucked for even more speed, molten rubber from my brake pads spraying on my bare legs. I'd throw the bike into corners with little regard for personal safety (or the laws of physics). I remember one time when I hit a patch of sand mid corner; the rear wheel slid out, my body dropped and I had a split second to contemplate flesh and lycra hitting pavement at warp speed. An act of God saved my ass, and the rear tire hooked up at the last second. Hard to beat the adrenaline rush from THAT one...

I've still got bicycles (three as I write this), but life doesn't allow me all that much time to ride these days. When I do, it's mostly trails - just got a new mountain bike and handed my old one off to the missus. Selling my road bike, because the roads by me are NOT conducive to cycling. Too much traffic, too many blind corners, too many idiot drivers on cell phones.

Still, there is a feeling you get on a bicycle that's unlike any other feeling in the world. Every action, regardless how subtle, has an effect on your motion. It's probably as close to flying as we can get without wings.

Perhaps it's a coincidence, but the best motorcycle riders I know are (or were) rabid cyclists. Call it the cult of two wheels.

Sometimes, Simple is Best

2004-10-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much motorcycle technology has changed over the past twenty years. There used to be a basic formula when buying a new bike: before you even THOUGHT of riding with your buddies, you pulled the stock exhaust, discarded the stock air cleaner (or airbox, if you were REALLY hot shit), and re-jetted the carbs. For around five hundred dollars (sometimes less), you could easily add 15 to 20% more horsepower to your bike.

That's no longer the case. These days, adding an aftermarket exhaust will probably slow your bike down. You can't rejet the carbs, since nearly everything today is fuel injected. The same kind of upgrades (exhaust, intake and new fuel injection map in lieu of re-jetting) now cost stupid money (around $2k for my bike) and produce gains of only a few horsepower. Thanks, I'll pass.

Likewise, many bikes today have a ridiculous array of gadgety: traction control, ABS, reverse (?!), electrically adjustable windshields, GPS, AM/FM/CB/CD/MP3 players, heated seats, etc. Do you really NEED any of this shit? NO, you do not. You also do not need:

- fuel gauges on motorcycles - that's what the trip odometer and idiot light is for
- gear indicator - if you can't tell what gear you're in by your speed and engine speed, you should seriously consider taking up another hobby. Like bowling.
- bike to bike communications - I ride to get AWAY from people, not talk to them. That's what hanging out AFTER the ride is for.

I encourage ALL of you to pick one day and flush technology. Go to your electric panel and turn off every breaker except things like refrigerators. Spend a day in the dark. Read a book by lantern light instead of sucking at the glass teat (TV, in Harlan Ellison speak). Light a fire to keep warm (assuming you have a fireplace - otherwise I'd ignore this advice). Cook on your grill. Talk to your spouse.

Technology, like good scotch, is best appreciated when you've done without for a while.

There's an Old Cliche About Riding

2004-10-03T14:08:00.000-07:00

"There are only two kinds of riders: those who have crashed and those who will".

I fit in the former category, and I can tell you that crashing sucks. Nothing can prepare you for the sickening split-second when you realize, despite all your training and experience, that the horizon has shifted and you're skimming across asphalt like a stone across water. If you're lucky (and I was), you live to ride another day. Good gear and the fortune of crashing on a deserted road saved my bacon. Still, you wonder "what if": what if a car had been crossing the narrow bridge where I crashed; what if I'd crashed 50 feet further down the road and hit the guardrail head first. Chance are I wouldn't be writing this if any one of a thousand other scenarios played out.

That was many years ago, and it never spoiled my apetite for riding. As soon as I finished up at the doctor, my wife drove me to the dealership so I could begin ordering replacement parts (THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is love). Took me about six months to rebuild the bike - piece by piece, one bolt at a time.

I had a lot of time to think in my downtime, and I came to the realization that the old cliche about crashing is bullshit. I didn't crash because it was "my time"; I crashed because I fucked up. I got complacent doing the same thing I'd done a hundred thousand times before. I was no longer paying attention to my corner setup, because I thought I was beyond crashing. Well, I learned the hard way that I wasn't.

I still believe there are only two kinds of riders, but the rest of the cliche has nothing to do with crashing. The two types? Those who practice their craft and those who don't. Since my wreck, every ride has been a learning experience. I catch mistakes in form MUCH earlier, and correct them before they become problems. I practice things like low speed manuevering, straight line braking and corner setup constantly. I've learned to listen to that little voice inside my head (VOICE, not VOICES - big difference), if something doesn't feel right, I'll turn around and head home. There are no guarantees that I'll never crash again (circumstances beyond my control, etc., etc.), but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm a much better rider because I applied the lessons learned, and won't allow myself to grow complacent again.

So...What Do I Ride?

2004-10-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

I've owned seven different motorcycles over the last 21 years, most of them Japanese. Time was that all of the major Japanese manufacturers had what was known as the "UJM" - Universal Japanese Motorcycle. These were bikes that were equally adept at sport riding (back in the days when dragging your knee was a BAD thing, because it meant you'd just low-sided), commuting and touring. They were cheap, plentiful and easy to wrench on. Despite what others will say, these bikes also had a lot of personality. Some, like the quiet little librarian chica in the corner, thrived on abuse ("Yeah, that's it - flog me harder! Make me your bitch!"). Others required a bit of subtle romance to keep going ("Hey baby, got you a nice bottle of fork oil and a new set of points. What do you say we get freaky this weekend?").

By the late '80s, the UJM had all but ceased to exist as manufacturers tried to pigeonhole riders into the "cruiser" camp, the "sportbike" camp or the "touring" camp. Bikes became ridiculously niche specific. You needed a GSXR for track days, a GoldWing for the weekend camping trips and a cruiser for riding to work (or bad, bad idea - the local bar). This was (obviously) good for the manufacturers, but bad for riders - who's got the time, money and garage space to own, maintain, insure and ride a fleet of bikes?

Around 1999, BMW rolled out a bike called the R1100S. Originally, it was intended to replace the existing R1150RS, a sport-tourer that was showing signs of age. BMW had high hopes for the 1100S; it was the sportiest BMW in years, but all-day comfortable and easy to maintain. In short, BMW had re-invented a modern version of the UJM.

I lusted after this bike for years, before I finally took the plunge and bought a used one in the fall of 2001. One test ride and I was inescapably, irreversably hooked. I NEEDED this bike like a junkie needs a fix; like Kerry needs electoral votes. There are times in a man's life when rationality goes right out the window; the Id kicks in and WILL NOT be denied. This was one of them.

In 21+ years of riding, I have never encountered a bike that I enjoy as much as the S. Most people just don't get them - they're not as comfortable as the typical Beemer (because they provide much better feedback), aren't nearly as powerful as a typical Japanese sportbike (but does anyone really need to ride faster than 140 MPH in the US, anyway) and look, well... funky. You either get them or you don't - like garlic ice cream, there's not much room for middle ground here

So what does this mean? Well, resale on BMW 1100S bikes is for shit, and no one knows if they'll be updated with the rest of the R line. But you know what? I don't care. Like the UJMs of old, the S has become cheap and plentiful. When mine wears out, I'll just snap up another for pennies on the dollar.

I guess I'm a sucker for things that other people just don't get...

Looks Like I'm Hanging My Open Sign In Cyberspace

2004-10-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, thanks and welcome. I'm the new kid in town - got plenty of opinions, biased and otherwise, on all things motorized. Hell, I've got opinions on pretty much all things...

It's gonna take me a while to sort things out, so bear with me - I promise I will (occasionally) make you laugh and/or make you think.

So who am I? Just a regular guy who's happiest when he's riding. I prefer motorcycles, but I've spent a lot of years riding bicycles, too. More on that in a future blog.

Gotta run for now, but I promise to be back later.