Saturday, November 13, 2004
So While the US Was Putting Men on the Moon...
Japan was inventing the perfect toilet seat.
Now don't get me wrong - I appreciate the bravery of our astronauts and the benefits derived from our space program (even if I can't name very many off the top of my head), but we've lost the race for bathroom perfection to the Japanese.
If you've never experienced the "Assmaster 5000" (or whatever the name translates to), allow me to describe what a five speed toilet seat does. First, you get to select your heat setting from "Off" to "Leave Charred Flesh Sticking To The Seat". If you've never sat on a heated toilet seat; well then - you really haven't lived.
I'll spare you the details on bodily functions (since we all do pretty much the same thing), but when you're done the Assmaster allows you to select several functions: bidet, for the ladies or "Assblaster" for the men. You can adjust water pressure, water temperature and duration until your ass is minty fresh. When your done, the handy "Deodorize" button removes any offending odors for the next user.
After two weeks in Japan, I'm in no hurry to return. The beds are small and uncomfortable, the food quickly grows old (I never thought I'd be sick of eating sushi, but there can indeed be too much of a good thing) and it's amazing how much you miss being able to read street signs. For me, the culture was a little TOO foreign - I fit right in in Europe, get along fine in the UK, but always felt like I was on another planet in Japan. Still, I'm already missing the "just washed freshness" provided by the Assmaster toilet seats. Maybe I can become the first US importer....
Now don't get me wrong - I appreciate the bravery of our astronauts and the benefits derived from our space program (even if I can't name very many off the top of my head), but we've lost the race for bathroom perfection to the Japanese.
If you've never experienced the "Assmaster 5000" (or whatever the name translates to), allow me to describe what a five speed toilet seat does. First, you get to select your heat setting from "Off" to "Leave Charred Flesh Sticking To The Seat". If you've never sat on a heated toilet seat; well then - you really haven't lived.
I'll spare you the details on bodily functions (since we all do pretty much the same thing), but when you're done the Assmaster allows you to select several functions: bidet, for the ladies or "Assblaster" for the men. You can adjust water pressure, water temperature and duration until your ass is minty fresh. When your done, the handy "Deodorize" button removes any offending odors for the next user.
After two weeks in Japan, I'm in no hurry to return. The beds are small and uncomfortable, the food quickly grows old (I never thought I'd be sick of eating sushi, but there can indeed be too much of a good thing) and it's amazing how much you miss being able to read street signs. For me, the culture was a little TOO foreign - I fit right in in Europe, get along fine in the UK, but always felt like I was on another planet in Japan. Still, I'm already missing the "just washed freshness" provided by the Assmaster toilet seats. Maybe I can become the first US importer....
// posted by John Patmos @ 1:08 PM 
Comments:
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It seems like America has kind of stagnated when it comes to the innovations on how to actually LIVE and this saddens me. Darth had a very interesting post bout all of the very inexpensive but clever ways the Chinese made it pleasant and easy to live in their big cities and I was sort of shocked.
It seems like a lot of the common horse sense this country was founded on is done better elsewhere these days.
It seems like a lot of the common horse sense this country was founded on is done better elsewhere these days.
# posted by 
: 2:01 PM
: 2:01 PM
Mr. Underhill - I think you're right on the money here. The other thing about Japan that amazed me was how clean it was - no litter, no grafitti, clean streets and sidewalks. Damn amazing for a country where nearly everyone smokes.
They still have homeless, but typically they are men who've lost their jobs and have nowhere else to go. I saw a few going through trash cans or huddled in doorways, but I did NOT see any begging. None of the homeless I saw looked strung out; you really want to believe they're just folks who've temporarily lost their way.
there are actually homeless people there...living in the subway stations, and some of the parks.
i just commented about the toilets in japan on another blog last week! those fucking RULE. we went to a ski resort that had them...and they are such a civilized appliance. i miss it still.
i just commented about the toilets in japan on another blog last week! those fucking RULE. we went to a ski resort that had them...and they are such a civilized appliance. i miss it still.
Werd. It's amazing how enjoyable a heated seat and a minty fresh ass can be.
They actually sell them in the US now - Toto is the manufacturer, and they've got three models to choose from. They range in price from about $500 to over $1,200, depending upon features and colors.
I ask you, though: isn't knowing that you'll never again suffer from cranky ass worth every penny?
They actually sell them in the US now - Toto is the manufacturer, and they've got three models to choose from. They range in price from about $500 to over $1,200, depending upon features and colors.
I ask you, though: isn't knowing that you'll never again suffer from cranky ass worth every penny?
TOTALLY TRUE. I spend a lot of time in China, Japan, Asia and Europe and they have far surpassed the US in quality of life innovation.
BTW Bikeguy, I posted a link to your blog and this post on the Lonely Planet web site.
Cheers
BTW Bikeguy, I posted a link to your blog and this post on the Lonely Planet web site.
Cheers
I have to confess, we have a Daelim Cleanlet seat in the master bath...installed it myself (under wifey's orders). She was right about it. Works great and adds a little spice to the daily ritual.
As for the Japanese food, one of my good Chinese friends described Japanese food as "bad Chinese Food".
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As for the Japanese food, one of my good Chinese friends described Japanese food as "bad Chinese Food".
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