Sunday, April 24, 2005
The big yellow thing in the sky?
It's called "the sun", and unless the day is overcast it will rise in the east every morning. Primative cultures worshipped the sun, making offerings and conducting sacrifices to this strange god. Apparently, some people still do.
My fellow commuters, the sun is not to be feared or worshipped, only appreciated. You need not come to a complete stop wile driving into its warming embrace; I assure you, it WILL NOT smite you down. You need not freeze, mouth agape like you're witnessing a divine revelation (trust me, you're not - God's not into the big production thing these days). Instead, try this simple, calming action.
DRIVE.
Yes, that's it, drive. Don't come to a complete fucking stop as you round a corner into the sun, causing accidents and further pooching the rush hour commute. You KNOW where the sun is going to be - it's there every day. It's not getting (noticeably) dimmer, so here are a few things you can do to cope with it:
1) Sunglasses. This miraculous invention has been around for hundreds of years. Sunglasses (or, shades, as they are occasionally called) actually REDUCE the amount of light being transmitted to your eyes. One possible benefit? When wearing sunglasses, you can drive into the sun with little fear of reduced visibility.
2) Visor. This handy device flips down from the top of your windshield (inside the car) and actually BLOCKS the sun. Trust me; it doesn't erase the sun or snuff it out. Instead, using the miracle discovery of opaque fabric it eliminates the sun glare from your view, allowing you to drive unimpeded. Visor technology has become so advance that most now SWIVEL, allowing you to block the sun both in front of you and beside you. What will they think of next...
3) Squinting. Yes, when given no other options you can actualy narrow your eyelids (only partially while driving, please) to reduce the amount of light hitting your optic nerve. Squinting has the unintended benefit of making you look intellectual (or psychotic), often giving pause to those around you.
I'm no pagan, but if I have to deal with another 25 MPH commute because other drivers can't maintain a reasonable speed while driving into the sun, I will SERIOUSLY contemplate some human sacrifice.
My fellow commuters, the sun is not to be feared or worshipped, only appreciated. You need not come to a complete stop wile driving into its warming embrace; I assure you, it WILL NOT smite you down. You need not freeze, mouth agape like you're witnessing a divine revelation (trust me, you're not - God's not into the big production thing these days). Instead, try this simple, calming action.
DRIVE.
Yes, that's it, drive. Don't come to a complete fucking stop as you round a corner into the sun, causing accidents and further pooching the rush hour commute. You KNOW where the sun is going to be - it's there every day. It's not getting (noticeably) dimmer, so here are a few things you can do to cope with it:
1) Sunglasses. This miraculous invention has been around for hundreds of years. Sunglasses (or, shades, as they are occasionally called) actually REDUCE the amount of light being transmitted to your eyes. One possible benefit? When wearing sunglasses, you can drive into the sun with little fear of reduced visibility.
2) Visor. This handy device flips down from the top of your windshield (inside the car) and actually BLOCKS the sun. Trust me; it doesn't erase the sun or snuff it out. Instead, using the miracle discovery of opaque fabric it eliminates the sun glare from your view, allowing you to drive unimpeded. Visor technology has become so advance that most now SWIVEL, allowing you to block the sun both in front of you and beside you. What will they think of next...
3) Squinting. Yes, when given no other options you can actualy narrow your eyelids (only partially while driving, please) to reduce the amount of light hitting your optic nerve. Squinting has the unintended benefit of making you look intellectual (or psychotic), often giving pause to those around you.
I'm no pagan, but if I have to deal with another 25 MPH commute because other drivers can't maintain a reasonable speed while driving into the sun, I will SERIOUSLY contemplate some human sacrifice.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
OnStar Services We Could Really Use
The following transcripts are NOT based on actual OnStar calls. If they were, perhaps I'd be motivated to buy a vehicle that had it.
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver A: "Hello OnStar. I'd like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They've been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can't get around them on the right."
OS Operator: "Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missle attack?"
Driver A: "He's really pissing me off - better go with the Hellfire missles"
OS Operator: "An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missles are a PREMIUM service. You'll see the charge on your next statement."
Driver A: "Not a problem ma'am"
OS Operator: "OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I'd advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver B: "I'm running late for an important meeting, and traffic blows goats. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?"
OS Operator: "Yes sir, I'd be happy to. I have to give you our standard disclaimer that the auto navigate feature will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?"
Driver B: "Yes ma'am, I sent it in last month"
OS Operator: "Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We'll take it from here."
Driver B: "Could you also.."
OS Operator: "Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car at work? Already done, sir."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver C: "I've just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off."
OS Operator: "Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police."
Driver C: "No, I'm OK. I'm just pissed about my car."
OS Operator: "Can you give a description of the vehicle and occupants? Would you like us to dispatch our 'courtesy enforcement specialists'"
Driver C: "Yeah, just don't send Vinnie and Rocco again."
OS Operator: "Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?"
Driver C: "Dissatisfied isn't the right word. They were a little too... enthusiastic. I mean the woman stole my parking space - a simple beating would have been enough."
OS Operator: "Understood sir. We'll dispatch Klaus and Osgard this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day..."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver A: "Hello OnStar. I'd like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They've been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can't get around them on the right."
OS Operator: "Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missle attack?"
Driver A: "He's really pissing me off - better go with the Hellfire missles"
OS Operator: "An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missles are a PREMIUM service. You'll see the charge on your next statement."
Driver A: "Not a problem ma'am"
OS Operator: "OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I'd advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver B: "I'm running late for an important meeting, and traffic blows goats. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?"
OS Operator: "Yes sir, I'd be happy to. I have to give you our standard disclaimer that the auto navigate feature will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?"
Driver B: "Yes ma'am, I sent it in last month"
OS Operator: "Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We'll take it from here."
Driver B: "Could you also.."
OS Operator: "Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car at work? Already done, sir."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver C: "I've just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off."
OS Operator: "Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police."
Driver C: "No, I'm OK. I'm just pissed about my car."
OS Operator: "Can you give a description of the vehicle and occupants? Would you like us to dispatch our 'courtesy enforcement specialists'"
Driver C: "Yeah, just don't send Vinnie and Rocco again."
OS Operator: "Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?"
Driver C: "Dissatisfied isn't the right word. They were a little too... enthusiastic. I mean the woman stole my parking space - a simple beating would have been enough."
OS Operator: "Understood sir. We'll dispatch Klaus and Osgard this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day..."
