Thursday, October 28, 2004
Ever Travel by Train in the US?
I recently took Amtrak from New York's Penn Station to Washington DC. If you haven't ridden the rails before, let me tell you - it's an eye opening experience. In a lot of ways, it's a real life diorama on the decline of the American empire.
Rail lines were built to support factories and vice versa. A point A to point B trip by rail (in the industrialized east, anyway) is a neverending tour of shuttered, decaying factories, boarded up tenements, crack houses and shooting galleries. It is a tutorial on gang related graffiti, as well as a good illustration of our crumbling infrastructure. Train platforms and stations are in various stages of disrepair, and feature peeling paint, crumbling concrete, rusting metal fixtures and poor (if any) lighting. Even the train cars are in sad shape; if you boarded an airplane that looked like the car I rode in, you'd get the hell off - quick.
Amtrak is in the hole again this year. Let's examine why:
1) It is less expensive and more convenient to travel by air. Regular train fare from NYC to DC is about $30 MORE expensive than a Continental flight.
2) The Acela Express train is about double the cost of flying, and only gets you there thirty minutes faster that Amtrak's regular service.
3) Airports feature convenient, safe parking. Train stations do not.
4) The rail cars are not in good shape and the seats are far from comfortable. Or clean.
5) Beacuse of extensive track work, there really is no such thing as a "on time" arrival. "On time" for Amtrak apparently means less than twenty minutes late.
On the plus side, the people were friendly and the coffee was pretty good. Is that enough to ride Amtrak again? Probably not.
Rail lines were built to support factories and vice versa. A point A to point B trip by rail (in the industrialized east, anyway) is a neverending tour of shuttered, decaying factories, boarded up tenements, crack houses and shooting galleries. It is a tutorial on gang related graffiti, as well as a good illustration of our crumbling infrastructure. Train platforms and stations are in various stages of disrepair, and feature peeling paint, crumbling concrete, rusting metal fixtures and poor (if any) lighting. Even the train cars are in sad shape; if you boarded an airplane that looked like the car I rode in, you'd get the hell off - quick.
Amtrak is in the hole again this year. Let's examine why:
1) It is less expensive and more convenient to travel by air. Regular train fare from NYC to DC is about $30 MORE expensive than a Continental flight.
2) The Acela Express train is about double the cost of flying, and only gets you there thirty minutes faster that Amtrak's regular service.
3) Airports feature convenient, safe parking. Train stations do not.
4) The rail cars are not in good shape and the seats are far from comfortable. Or clean.
5) Beacuse of extensive track work, there really is no such thing as a "on time" arrival. "On time" for Amtrak apparently means less than twenty minutes late.
On the plus side, the people were friendly and the coffee was pretty good. Is that enough to ride Amtrak again? Probably not.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Ten Things You May Not Know About Me
In homage to Darth, Inkeddaisy and Jane D'oh, et al., I give you ten things you may NOT know about me. Of course this implies that you may INDEED know these things about me, in which case I apologize in advance for the boring read. Life's a bitch and then you die...
1) When riding a motorcycle I do not drink. Not a single beer, not a glass of wine, nada. Eight hours from bottle to throttle is my minimum.
Sadly, this was not always the case. Coming back from closing down my favorite bar, riding drunk in the rain, I nearly got waffled by a car that ran a red light. For some reason I backed off the throttle before entering the intersection; instead of hitting me, the car t-boned another next to me. There but for the grace of God go I.
It's amazing that any of us survive our college years.
2) I have "driver's intuition", that little voice inside your head that tells you to "slow the fuck down - NOW". This has saved my ass more times than I care to think about.
Please note that while a "little voice inside your head" can be a good thing, "Voices" inside your head are very, very bad. Especially if they tell you to do harm to yourself or others. Or vote for George Bush.
3) I have never in my life gone ice skating. Not once.
4) I have an uncanny ability to look at any car on the road in the United States and immediately identify Make, Model and approximate Year. This, in no way, shape, or form is a marketable skill.
5) I can spell words extremely fast; nearly as fast as I speak. Again, an utterly useless skill unless I'm trying to say something I don't want the dog to understand. Fortunately for me, he's not much of a speller. He is learning, though...
6) I am fanatical about most things automobile related. I change my own oil, own seperate wheels and tires for winter and summer on all cars and cannot have others work on my vehicles without double checking their work. Which, incidently, is never done to my satisfaction.
Sweet mother of God, does no one own a torque wrench anymore?
7) I believe that gun control is the ability to hit your target. I grew up with guns, and am equally comfortable with a handgun, shotgun or rifle. I believe that kids should be taught from an early age to respect guns, not fear them.
Ironically, I am not a hunter. But I do make a kickass venison chili.
8) I have voted in every presidential election since 1984. I have never registered as a Democrat or a Republican, but have voted more Republican than Democatic in my life. I assure you, that won't be happening on November 2.
9) I have had some damn strange things happen to me in life. Things that prove that God is indeed alive, and that he's got one hell of a sense of humor.
10) I've been married to my best friend for over fifteen years now. She is the first and only person I can say I'd take a bullet for. What she sees in me, I have no fucking idea.
And, just because you've read this far, I'm throwing in a bonus number 11 (satisfaction guaranteed or your money back):
11) I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever. I cannot sing, harmonize or even remotely carry a tune. I've tried to play the guitar, trumpet, piano, recorder and harmonica, all with equal degrees of failure. In fact, I'm fairly confident that I could earn a good living having people pay me to NOT sing.
1) When riding a motorcycle I do not drink. Not a single beer, not a glass of wine, nada. Eight hours from bottle to throttle is my minimum.
Sadly, this was not always the case. Coming back from closing down my favorite bar, riding drunk in the rain, I nearly got waffled by a car that ran a red light. For some reason I backed off the throttle before entering the intersection; instead of hitting me, the car t-boned another next to me. There but for the grace of God go I.
It's amazing that any of us survive our college years.
2) I have "driver's intuition", that little voice inside your head that tells you to "slow the fuck down - NOW". This has saved my ass more times than I care to think about.
Please note that while a "little voice inside your head" can be a good thing, "Voices" inside your head are very, very bad. Especially if they tell you to do harm to yourself or others. Or vote for George Bush.
3) I have never in my life gone ice skating. Not once.
4) I have an uncanny ability to look at any car on the road in the United States and immediately identify Make, Model and approximate Year. This, in no way, shape, or form is a marketable skill.
5) I can spell words extremely fast; nearly as fast as I speak. Again, an utterly useless skill unless I'm trying to say something I don't want the dog to understand. Fortunately for me, he's not much of a speller. He is learning, though...
6) I am fanatical about most things automobile related. I change my own oil, own seperate wheels and tires for winter and summer on all cars and cannot have others work on my vehicles without double checking their work. Which, incidently, is never done to my satisfaction.
Sweet mother of God, does no one own a torque wrench anymore?
7) I believe that gun control is the ability to hit your target. I grew up with guns, and am equally comfortable with a handgun, shotgun or rifle. I believe that kids should be taught from an early age to respect guns, not fear them.
Ironically, I am not a hunter. But I do make a kickass venison chili.
8) I have voted in every presidential election since 1984. I have never registered as a Democrat or a Republican, but have voted more Republican than Democatic in my life. I assure you, that won't be happening on November 2.
9) I have had some damn strange things happen to me in life. Things that prove that God is indeed alive, and that he's got one hell of a sense of humor.
10) I've been married to my best friend for over fifteen years now. She is the first and only person I can say I'd take a bullet for. What she sees in me, I have no fucking idea.
And, just because you've read this far, I'm throwing in a bonus number 11 (satisfaction guaranteed or your money back):
11) I have absolutely no musical talent whatsoever. I cannot sing, harmonize or even remotely carry a tune. I've tried to play the guitar, trumpet, piano, recorder and harmonica, all with equal degrees of failure. In fact, I'm fairly confident that I could earn a good living having people pay me to NOT sing.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Dick Cheney Has Jumped The Shark
On Tuesday, Mr. Cheney made the following statement:
"The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans."
His intention was to illustrate that given a worst case scenario, the current administration would be in a better position to respond than Mr. Kerry's administration. This is, of course, based on nothing more than speculation - in the event of a nuclear, biological or chemical attack on a US city, we wouldn't be "responding" to anyone.
Since he raised the question, I have a few of my own for the vice president:
1) Let's assume a worst case scenario (like you proposed), of simultaneous nuclear detonations in multiple cities across the US. How exactly would we respond? It seems to me that our military, already stretched too thin in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, would need to be recalled to provide security, render aid and deliver supplies. Wouldn't his cause the collapse of the current Iraqi government, send the entire Middle East into a state of upheaval and most likely create World War Three? Since you raised the question, Mr. Vice President, I'd really like to see your action plan for coping with just such a catastrophe.
2) Again, thinking about worst case scenarios. Let's assume (this time) that there's a biological attack on several US cities. If we can't even sort out a simple flu vaccine problem, what are the chances we could produce enough vaccines to combat smallpox (or any other potential nasties) in an acceptable time frame? Can we safely assume that the chances are slim to none?
3) Throwing out the "what if" worst case scenarios, can you give me our potential responses to the following:
a. A direct hit from a large (< 1km across) meteor on US soil?
b. An invasion from a hostile race of extraterrestrials with superior technology?
c. Simultaneous catastrophic natural disasters (what happens if the San Andreas fault lets go, Mt. St. Helens explodes, another hurricane demolishes a major metro area in the southeast while tornadoes wreak havoc across the plains)? Surely you have a plan to deal with this, while John Kerry does not.
Yes, Mr. Cheney, I'm being sarcastic. Quite frankly, we both know what the proper response in any of the above situations will be - put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. Neither the Bush administration nor the Kerry administration would be in a postion to do anything about the above threats - it comes down to reaction.
And if the worst did happen, I'd want John Kerry in that underground bunker, not George Bush. Why?
1) Kerry actually has combat experience.
2) Kerry would be more likely to get aid from our former allies. Let's face it - John Kerry hasn't pissed off all of Europe like your administration has.
3) Kerry (I believe) would focus more on rendering aid and rebuilding the infrastructure than on bombing a country with possible terrorist links.
It's been said, Mr. Cheney, that you can "fool some of the people some of the time and jerk the rest off". I'm telling you that's not always the case.
"The biggest threat we face now as a nation is the possibility of terrorists ending up in the middle of one of our cities with deadlier weapons than have ever before been used against us - biological agents or a nuclear weapon or a chemical weapon of some kind to be able to threaten the lives of hundreds of thousands of Americans."
His intention was to illustrate that given a worst case scenario, the current administration would be in a better position to respond than Mr. Kerry's administration. This is, of course, based on nothing more than speculation - in the event of a nuclear, biological or chemical attack on a US city, we wouldn't be "responding" to anyone.
Since he raised the question, I have a few of my own for the vice president:
1) Let's assume a worst case scenario (like you proposed), of simultaneous nuclear detonations in multiple cities across the US. How exactly would we respond? It seems to me that our military, already stretched too thin in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, would need to be recalled to provide security, render aid and deliver supplies. Wouldn't his cause the collapse of the current Iraqi government, send the entire Middle East into a state of upheaval and most likely create World War Three? Since you raised the question, Mr. Vice President, I'd really like to see your action plan for coping with just such a catastrophe.
2) Again, thinking about worst case scenarios. Let's assume (this time) that there's a biological attack on several US cities. If we can't even sort out a simple flu vaccine problem, what are the chances we could produce enough vaccines to combat smallpox (or any other potential nasties) in an acceptable time frame? Can we safely assume that the chances are slim to none?
3) Throwing out the "what if" worst case scenarios, can you give me our potential responses to the following:
a. A direct hit from a large (< 1km across) meteor on US soil?
b. An invasion from a hostile race of extraterrestrials with superior technology?
c. Simultaneous catastrophic natural disasters (what happens if the San Andreas fault lets go, Mt. St. Helens explodes, another hurricane demolishes a major metro area in the southeast while tornadoes wreak havoc across the plains)? Surely you have a plan to deal with this, while John Kerry does not.
Yes, Mr. Cheney, I'm being sarcastic. Quite frankly, we both know what the proper response in any of the above situations will be - put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. Neither the Bush administration nor the Kerry administration would be in a postion to do anything about the above threats - it comes down to reaction.
And if the worst did happen, I'd want John Kerry in that underground bunker, not George Bush. Why?
1) Kerry actually has combat experience.
2) Kerry would be more likely to get aid from our former allies. Let's face it - John Kerry hasn't pissed off all of Europe like your administration has.
3) Kerry (I believe) would focus more on rendering aid and rebuilding the infrastructure than on bombing a country with possible terrorist links.
It's been said, Mr. Cheney, that you can "fool some of the people some of the time and jerk the rest off". I'm telling you that's not always the case.
Monday, October 18, 2004
Outsourcing and You
I've been banking with the same company for the past 12 years, and I just learned something new about them: virtually all of their IT and telephone based customer service has been outsourced to India. That DOES NOT make me a happy camper, and as soon as I have the chance I'll be moving all of my accounts to a bank that uses US based employees.
Now, before you label me a xenophobe or a racist or a classist or an elitist, let me say that I have nothing against India or the Indian peoples. I admire their work ethic and their focus on the family as the center of life. I've also got to say that they make some kick ass food; however, this is war and in war there are casualties.
Yes, I'm aware that the US is not at war with India (yet - give GWB some more time and he'll find a reason, believe me); it's a class war I'm talking about. I'm stepping up to the plate to defend my position in the middle class. If I don't start to make a stand - who will?
I have every intention of writing to the president of the bank to let him know why I'm pulling my business. I haven't drafted the letter yet, but I'm envisioning something along these lines:
Dear Sir:
You don't know me, but I've been a customer of yours for the past twelve years. I've had everything from checking and savings accounts through home equity loans at your bank, but that is in the past. I have pulled my business from your bank and I will not return; I did feel it was my duty to inform you why I've come to this decision.
You've outsourced middle income US jobs to India, and I as a middle class American cannot support this action.
I understand the logic behind it, and I understand the reasons you've made these cost cutting decisions. I'm here to tell you that you've made the wrong choice. Putting Americans out of work to boost earnings per share is not only wrong, it is morally reprehensible. How much is enough, in regards to earnings? Today IT and customer service has been outsourced to India; what comes next? Hiring illegals as tellers for dirt cheap wages?
I, hopefully, am not alone in my actions. I have asked others to support my decision and to take similar actions. While the loss of one customer is insignificant, the loss of many WILL be noticeable.
This is a war, Mr. Bank President, and you've fired the first shot. It's my duty to defend myself, my country and my way of life.
Sincerely,
Bike Guy
So, boys and girls - do me this favor: next time you call up to order something from a US based mail order catalog - ask them where the call center is located. If it's outside the US, just say "Thank you, but I cannot support outsourcing of US jobs" and hang up. As your bank where their IT department is located - if it's overseas, thank them and pull your money. Do a little research before you sign on with that accounting firm or that legal firm - chances are they're outsourcing accountants or paralegals, too.
I'm not in any danger of having my job outsourced - yet. I imagine most of you are in the same boat. Still, if we don't take action now, how long before our jobs are located in India or the Philippines? Speaking for myself, neither country sounds too appealing.
Now, before you label me a xenophobe or a racist or a classist or an elitist, let me say that I have nothing against India or the Indian peoples. I admire their work ethic and their focus on the family as the center of life. I've also got to say that they make some kick ass food; however, this is war and in war there are casualties.
Yes, I'm aware that the US is not at war with India (yet - give GWB some more time and he'll find a reason, believe me); it's a class war I'm talking about. I'm stepping up to the plate to defend my position in the middle class. If I don't start to make a stand - who will?
I have every intention of writing to the president of the bank to let him know why I'm pulling my business. I haven't drafted the letter yet, but I'm envisioning something along these lines:
Dear Sir:
You don't know me, but I've been a customer of yours for the past twelve years. I've had everything from checking and savings accounts through home equity loans at your bank, but that is in the past. I have pulled my business from your bank and I will not return; I did feel it was my duty to inform you why I've come to this decision.
You've outsourced middle income US jobs to India, and I as a middle class American cannot support this action.
I understand the logic behind it, and I understand the reasons you've made these cost cutting decisions. I'm here to tell you that you've made the wrong choice. Putting Americans out of work to boost earnings per share is not only wrong, it is morally reprehensible. How much is enough, in regards to earnings? Today IT and customer service has been outsourced to India; what comes next? Hiring illegals as tellers for dirt cheap wages?
I, hopefully, am not alone in my actions. I have asked others to support my decision and to take similar actions. While the loss of one customer is insignificant, the loss of many WILL be noticeable.
This is a war, Mr. Bank President, and you've fired the first shot. It's my duty to defend myself, my country and my way of life.
Sincerely,
Bike Guy
So, boys and girls - do me this favor: next time you call up to order something from a US based mail order catalog - ask them where the call center is located. If it's outside the US, just say "Thank you, but I cannot support outsourcing of US jobs" and hang up. As your bank where their IT department is located - if it's overseas, thank them and pull your money. Do a little research before you sign on with that accounting firm or that legal firm - chances are they're outsourcing accountants or paralegals, too.
I'm not in any danger of having my job outsourced - yet. I imagine most of you are in the same boat. Still, if we don't take action now, how long before our jobs are located in India or the Philippines? Speaking for myself, neither country sounds too appealing.
Thursday, October 14, 2004
Some Thoughts on Dogs
There are dog guys and there are non-dog guys (there's also a separate-but-equal category of cat guys, but that's a discussion for a whole other time); I, am a dog guy. Got one myself, and I have learned through the years to speak fluent dog. Ironically, my dog also understands English; he does, however march to his own drummer. Not much for conversation, either.
Actually bought a purebred dog once (years ago), and it was nothing but trouble. Turns out he was the runt of the litter, and routinely got his ass kicked by his brothers and sisters. After two weeks of sheer hell, and at the recommendation of our vet, we took the dog back to the breeder. Large breed dogs with behavioral problems and psychological scars do not make for good company. Or low insurance rates.
Got our current dog from a shelter - he's half German Shepard and half Golden Retriever. Was abused as a puppy (beaten by his previous male owner), so he had some issues to work through. The first time he saw me, it was NOT love at first site - he backed away, tail between his legs, growling with teeth bared through the bars of his cage. "Fuck you", he seemed to say "I'm not taking another newspaper upside the head. Come in this cage, on MY turf, and I will rip you limb from motherfucking limb".
Always up for a challenge, my wife and I took him outside. He was indifferent to her - two homes in a year and a half will do that to a dog - but kept his distance from me. She'd throw a ball, he'd run over and grab it (not bring it back - just grab it). I'd throw a ball, he'd give me the attitude filled glance, like "I got your ball right here...". So I waited, let him sniff around a bit, before I got down on my hands and knees and charged him. He stopped what he was doing, tilted his head and shot me a "WTF?" look. I charged him again, this time slapping the ground in front of him. It clicked instantly, and the only way I can describe his expression was, "Holy fuck - YOU SPEAK DOG!". He mock charged me and backed off; I did the same. In fifteen minutes of wrestling on a cold, dirty concrete patio I was able to undo a year and a half of mistreatment. It took time, but he learned that not all guys suck.
He's been with us for about ten years now, and he's still in great health. Half clown and half bodyguard (once got between my wife and a black bear under our deck), he's always good company.
Why do I bring this up? Because we're doing a fund raiser dog walk this weekend for the local animal shelter. If I can ask you a favor, it'd be this: next time you decide to get a dog, go look at your local shelter before running out to buy a purebred. There are a lot of dogs out there that need a good home.
Actually bought a purebred dog once (years ago), and it was nothing but trouble. Turns out he was the runt of the litter, and routinely got his ass kicked by his brothers and sisters. After two weeks of sheer hell, and at the recommendation of our vet, we took the dog back to the breeder. Large breed dogs with behavioral problems and psychological scars do not make for good company. Or low insurance rates.
Got our current dog from a shelter - he's half German Shepard and half Golden Retriever. Was abused as a puppy (beaten by his previous male owner), so he had some issues to work through. The first time he saw me, it was NOT love at first site - he backed away, tail between his legs, growling with teeth bared through the bars of his cage. "Fuck you", he seemed to say "I'm not taking another newspaper upside the head. Come in this cage, on MY turf, and I will rip you limb from motherfucking limb".
Always up for a challenge, my wife and I took him outside. He was indifferent to her - two homes in a year and a half will do that to a dog - but kept his distance from me. She'd throw a ball, he'd run over and grab it (not bring it back - just grab it). I'd throw a ball, he'd give me the attitude filled glance, like "I got your ball right here...". So I waited, let him sniff around a bit, before I got down on my hands and knees and charged him. He stopped what he was doing, tilted his head and shot me a "WTF?" look. I charged him again, this time slapping the ground in front of him. It clicked instantly, and the only way I can describe his expression was, "Holy fuck - YOU SPEAK DOG!". He mock charged me and backed off; I did the same. In fifteen minutes of wrestling on a cold, dirty concrete patio I was able to undo a year and a half of mistreatment. It took time, but he learned that not all guys suck.
He's been with us for about ten years now, and he's still in great health. Half clown and half bodyguard (once got between my wife and a black bear under our deck), he's always good company.
Why do I bring this up? Because we're doing a fund raiser dog walk this weekend for the local animal shelter. If I can ask you a favor, it'd be this: next time you decide to get a dog, go look at your local shelter before running out to buy a purebred. There are a lot of dogs out there that need a good home.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Advertising That Annoys Me...
As a society, we've grown desensitized to advertising. It takes more and more intrusion to get our attention. Consider:
- I (like millions of others) use Google's pop-up blocker. This 50 mg of acetominiphen has absolutely ZERO effect on the migraine-headache-strength pop-up ads on sites like Drudge Report. Now, granted Matt Drudge has become a little wacky in the past year (and is leaning more to the right than Hitler did), but it's still a good site to browse the headlines. Or at least it used to be, in the days before you had to wait for all the intrusive fucking ads to load BEFORE you could cancel them. So Matt - on the offhand chance you are reading this blog, I say ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING POP UP ADS FROM HELL. They are not effective, unless your goal is pissing off potential readers, in which case they work quite well.
- Magazine ads. It's no longer enough to insert a thousand 4x6 subscription cards into each issue (which DID come in handy as table footballs when folded), now advertisers are using stiff cardboard inserts that do NOT allow you to actually read the magazine, even when they're removed. What's next? Titanium inserts to shill your product? Hardened bulletproof steel plate? And to the publishers, I say - enough with selling ad space. Why is Road & Track now two hundred pages per month? Because 150 of them are ads, most for shit that car guys wouldn't buy anyway (trust me, our dicks are plenty big enough and no pill is going to enhance her pleasure). Ditto for Time magazine - infomercials, however well written, are still advertisements. If you're paying ME to read them, fine; last I looked, I was paying YOU for the subscription.
- Direct mail. I get enough credit card offers each month to wallpaper every house in America. Twice. Let me clue you guys in on something - I have all the credit cards I need. If I need another (like, for example all those times when another asshole would come in handy) I'll contact you, OK?
- Television. First, let me admit that I watch too much TV. Consider myself punched in the balls. Still, remember when an hour long TV program was like 50 minutes of entertainment and 10 minutes of ads? When did it become acceptable to give 40 minutes of show coupled with 20 minutes of ads? Did you think we wouldn't notice?
Every year, we wind up paying more for less as companies look for a way to cut costs. Let me offer a suggestion: can the in-your-face-advertising, take the savings and make a better product or reduce your price. I'm guessing that people will still buy what you're selling.
- I (like millions of others) use Google's pop-up blocker. This 50 mg of acetominiphen has absolutely ZERO effect on the migraine-headache-strength pop-up ads on sites like Drudge Report. Now, granted Matt Drudge has become a little wacky in the past year (and is leaning more to the right than Hitler did), but it's still a good site to browse the headlines. Or at least it used to be, in the days before you had to wait for all the intrusive fucking ads to load BEFORE you could cancel them. So Matt - on the offhand chance you are reading this blog, I say ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING POP UP ADS FROM HELL. They are not effective, unless your goal is pissing off potential readers, in which case they work quite well.
- Magazine ads. It's no longer enough to insert a thousand 4x6 subscription cards into each issue (which DID come in handy as table footballs when folded), now advertisers are using stiff cardboard inserts that do NOT allow you to actually read the magazine, even when they're removed. What's next? Titanium inserts to shill your product? Hardened bulletproof steel plate? And to the publishers, I say - enough with selling ad space. Why is Road & Track now two hundred pages per month? Because 150 of them are ads, most for shit that car guys wouldn't buy anyway (trust me, our dicks are plenty big enough and no pill is going to enhance her pleasure). Ditto for Time magazine - infomercials, however well written, are still advertisements. If you're paying ME to read them, fine; last I looked, I was paying YOU for the subscription.
- Direct mail. I get enough credit card offers each month to wallpaper every house in America. Twice. Let me clue you guys in on something - I have all the credit cards I need. If I need another (like, for example all those times when another asshole would come in handy) I'll contact you, OK?
- Television. First, let me admit that I watch too much TV. Consider myself punched in the balls. Still, remember when an hour long TV program was like 50 minutes of entertainment and 10 minutes of ads? When did it become acceptable to give 40 minutes of show coupled with 20 minutes of ads? Did you think we wouldn't notice?
Every year, we wind up paying more for less as companies look for a way to cut costs. Let me offer a suggestion: can the in-your-face-advertising, take the savings and make a better product or reduce your price. I'm guessing that people will still buy what you're selling.
Monday, October 11, 2004
Driving, Cell Phones and You
I've been reading about drivers using cell phones lately, and I've got to tell you it's some pretty scary shit. Per a recent University of Utah study, drivers who use cell phones (even hands free models):
1) Show GREATER impairment that drivers with BACs at the legal limit of intoxication (.08%)
2) Are 4x more likely to be involved in an accident than drivers not on cell phones, even if the call was WITHIN THE PAST 10 MINUTES!
3) Often "miss" visual cues - like stop signs and traffic signals - leading to accidents
4) Have longer braking reaction times than intoxicated drivers
Apparently humans have a threshold for distraction; speaking on a cell phone while driving crosses that threshold.
Now, let's stop and think about this for a second. Few among us regularly drive drunk. It's easy these days to find a designated driver, call a cab, take a bus or walk. No one wants the hassle of losing your license, having an accident, getting ass-raped with higher insurance rates, etc. Now matter how you slice it, the risks of driving drunk FAR outweigh any potential benefits.
But ALL of us drive while talking on the cell phone.
I'm pretty fanatical about using a headset (law by me, anyway), but even a hands free phone has no advantage in terms of distraction. I KNOW my driving ability goes down when I'm on the phone, so I try to limit my calls. If it's going to be a lengthy conversation, I'll pull off the road. If I can't, I just tell them "I'll call you back".
Now, let's step up and admit something else - NO ONE is as good behind the wheel as we think we are. "Fuck you", you say "There's nothing wrong with my driving". As a former racer and driving instructor, I'm here to tell you... you're not as good as you give yourself credit for.
So, what am I getting at here? The next time you go to make a cell phone call from the car, think about it. Do you NEED to make the call, or are you just filling the gaps in our lives between home and work? If you're calling to shoot the shit with a friend, why not just wait a few minutes and call them from home? Likewise, do you need to take the phone call from you mother (bitching that you never call HER anymore) while you're doing the rush hour slice and dice? Can't it wait until you get home?
Every time I'm behind the wheel or on the bike, I see things that leave me speechless. It is utterly fucking amazing that we are not dying by the millions each year on the roads. If everybody took a minute to inventory there own skills and rationalize their distractions (do you REALLY need to rub one out to a porn DVD on the way to work), we could really have an impact on things like accident rates, insurance rates, lawsuits and other general stupidity.
Tell me I'm wrong.
1) Show GREATER impairment that drivers with BACs at the legal limit of intoxication (.08%)
2) Are 4x more likely to be involved in an accident than drivers not on cell phones, even if the call was WITHIN THE PAST 10 MINUTES!
3) Often "miss" visual cues - like stop signs and traffic signals - leading to accidents
4) Have longer braking reaction times than intoxicated drivers
Apparently humans have a threshold for distraction; speaking on a cell phone while driving crosses that threshold.
Now, let's stop and think about this for a second. Few among us regularly drive drunk. It's easy these days to find a designated driver, call a cab, take a bus or walk. No one wants the hassle of losing your license, having an accident, getting ass-raped with higher insurance rates, etc. Now matter how you slice it, the risks of driving drunk FAR outweigh any potential benefits.
But ALL of us drive while talking on the cell phone.
I'm pretty fanatical about using a headset (law by me, anyway), but even a hands free phone has no advantage in terms of distraction. I KNOW my driving ability goes down when I'm on the phone, so I try to limit my calls. If it's going to be a lengthy conversation, I'll pull off the road. If I can't, I just tell them "I'll call you back".
Now, let's step up and admit something else - NO ONE is as good behind the wheel as we think we are. "Fuck you", you say "There's nothing wrong with my driving". As a former racer and driving instructor, I'm here to tell you... you're not as good as you give yourself credit for.
So, what am I getting at here? The next time you go to make a cell phone call from the car, think about it. Do you NEED to make the call, or are you just filling the gaps in our lives between home and work? If you're calling to shoot the shit with a friend, why not just wait a few minutes and call them from home? Likewise, do you need to take the phone call from you mother (bitching that you never call HER anymore) while you're doing the rush hour slice and dice? Can't it wait until you get home?
Every time I'm behind the wheel or on the bike, I see things that leave me speechless. It is utterly fucking amazing that we are not dying by the millions each year on the roads. If everybody took a minute to inventory there own skills and rationalize their distractions (do you REALLY need to rub one out to a porn DVD on the way to work), we could really have an impact on things like accident rates, insurance rates, lawsuits and other general stupidity.
Tell me I'm wrong.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Today Was a GOOD Day
A really, really good day. As I write this most of my major muscle groups are close to cramping. I can't put any weight on my left hand (thanks to a massive hematoma and half inch gash) and I'm gonna have some REALLY, REALLY cool new scars on my left calf.
Why is this good, you ask? Because I spent most of the morning and early afternoon riding mountain bikes (like a madman) with my oldest friend.
"Riding" is kind of a misnomer here. I was, admittedly, waay over my head attempting to ride some of the trails we did. Think, "extended hike and drawn out crash coupled by sections of occasional riding" and you get a better picture of what happened. Still, the weather was perfect, the leaves were changing and I was outdoors. Really hard to beat that.
I'm smoking a turkey, too - so got some damn fine eats coming my way in about another hour.
Next time I get pissed off about work or life in general, I've got to take a step back and think about why we work - it isn't for money, generally it isn't for glory - it's to give us the opportunity to spend quality time with friends and family. To occasionally enjoy days like today.
Why is this good, you ask? Because I spent most of the morning and early afternoon riding mountain bikes (like a madman) with my oldest friend.
"Riding" is kind of a misnomer here. I was, admittedly, waay over my head attempting to ride some of the trails we did. Think, "extended hike and drawn out crash coupled by sections of occasional riding" and you get a better picture of what happened. Still, the weather was perfect, the leaves were changing and I was outdoors. Really hard to beat that.
I'm smoking a turkey, too - so got some damn fine eats coming my way in about another hour.
Next time I get pissed off about work or life in general, I've got to take a step back and think about why we work - it isn't for money, generally it isn't for glory - it's to give us the opportunity to spend quality time with friends and family. To occasionally enjoy days like today.
Friday, October 08, 2004
Let's Talk About Cars For a Change
OK, I admit it - I'm an automobile slut.
I've been married for fifteen years, and I've never strayed on my wife. Never even came close. When it comes to cars, however, I cannot keep Mr. Happy in my pants.
In 23 years of driving (holy fuck - am I really THAT old), I have owned:
- 3 used cars
- 7 new cars
- 1 SCCA ITB race car
Doing the math, that means I have been "car monogamous" for about two years at a time. If you account for the fact that I owned only motorcycles for three of those 23 years, my car relationship skills are even worse; I can only stay faithful to my automobiles for 1.8 years at a time.
Now, let me explain - I buy a car with the best of intentions. At first, there is a mutual respect and a great deal of passion. Somewhere along the line, it goes south; I wake up one day and something new has caught my eye. Out with the old, in with the new - logic and financial reason be damned. I've owned Fords, Mitsubishis, Mazdas, Acuras, Volkswagens and (now) a BMW. It's not about status - I don't give a shit about other people's impressions of my car - it's about enjoyment. The thrill of tossing a car into a corner at speed, the feedback through the steering wheel as the front tires begin to push and the rears gently follow in a well-executed four wheel drift, the simple joys of skillfully matching revs on a down-shift... that's the stuff of dreams for me.
I think I finally found a soulmate; a worthy four wheel companion. I think about her regularly, and even make up reasons to sneak out to the garage ("Gotta see if I left the door unlocked - be right back"). It bugs me, REALLY bugs me when she's not clean. I give her the best - premium unleaded, oil changes at 3x the factory recommended intervals, Rain X on her windows...
Is it love? Yeah, I think it is. The past six months have been the happiest of my automotive life. Still, the new Mazdaspeed 6 was just announced, and you've gotta love 278 horsepower AND all wheel drive.
Maybe you should check back with me in another year...
I've been married for fifteen years, and I've never strayed on my wife. Never even came close. When it comes to cars, however, I cannot keep Mr. Happy in my pants.
In 23 years of driving (holy fuck - am I really THAT old), I have owned:
- 3 used cars
- 7 new cars
- 1 SCCA ITB race car
Doing the math, that means I have been "car monogamous" for about two years at a time. If you account for the fact that I owned only motorcycles for three of those 23 years, my car relationship skills are even worse; I can only stay faithful to my automobiles for 1.8 years at a time.
Now, let me explain - I buy a car with the best of intentions. At first, there is a mutual respect and a great deal of passion. Somewhere along the line, it goes south; I wake up one day and something new has caught my eye. Out with the old, in with the new - logic and financial reason be damned. I've owned Fords, Mitsubishis, Mazdas, Acuras, Volkswagens and (now) a BMW. It's not about status - I don't give a shit about other people's impressions of my car - it's about enjoyment. The thrill of tossing a car into a corner at speed, the feedback through the steering wheel as the front tires begin to push and the rears gently follow in a well-executed four wheel drift, the simple joys of skillfully matching revs on a down-shift... that's the stuff of dreams for me.
I think I finally found a soulmate; a worthy four wheel companion. I think about her regularly, and even make up reasons to sneak out to the garage ("Gotta see if I left the door unlocked - be right back"). It bugs me, REALLY bugs me when she's not clean. I give her the best - premium unleaded, oil changes at 3x the factory recommended intervals, Rain X on her windows...
Is it love? Yeah, I think it is. The past six months have been the happiest of my automotive life. Still, the new Mazdaspeed 6 was just announced, and you've gotta love 278 horsepower AND all wheel drive.
Maybe you should check back with me in another year...
Thursday, October 07, 2004
An Open Letter to the Next President of the US
Dear Sir:
I, the undersigned, represent an average cross section of America. Middle income, college educatated, no felony convictions, read the newspaper daily, watch rental porn occasionally and do not regularly attend church (but I've got friends who do, which I'm hoping will help me out come judgement day). I consider myself a patriotic American, one who proudly flies the flag at home, celebrates July 4th and even gets choked up during the Star Spangled Banner.
Frankly, Mr. President, I've got some concerns about the future of this country. From where I stand, it's going to hell in a handbasket (and NO ONE carries handbaskets anymore). Now I realize you've got a full plate and an army of staffers who can give you expert advice on a lot of subjects. Still, years of experience have taught me that "experts" rarely have a background in what they're "expert" in, just a fancy degree from an overpriced school. I've learned that sometimes you have to step back, ignore the experts and listen to the little people in the trenches.
So, anyway, here's what's on my mind:
1) The economy. It sucks. If anyone is telling you otherwise, they're blowing smoke up your ass. Middle income jobs are disappearing like lifeboat space on the Titanic. The job reports you're so fond of quoting? Bullshit, if you ask me. Go tell a 47 year old middle management drone with a wife, mortgage and two kids in college that his next job will be flinging burgers at the McBurgerland in the mall, because....THOSE are the companies that are hiring. NOT the middle income, put-a-roof-over-your-head-and-pay-the-bills jobs we've grown accustomed to.
Likewise with the unemployment numbers. I'll agree they're declining, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE RUNNING OUT OF BENEFITS AND DROPPING OFF REPORTS, NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING JOBS!
Sorry, I was shouting. I'll try to keep a calmer demeanor.
From where I sit, it looks like the middle class is going the way of the dodo. Now, Mr. President, do I really need to point out WHY this would be bad for your party's future?
So, what do I suggest? Well, how about the following:
a. Tax penalties for companies that outsource middle income jobs. Want to send customer service to Banglore? NO PROBLEM! You just get assessed 3x the salary in penalties of the job you just exported. Doesn't seem so attractive now, does it?
b. Tax benefits for companies that MANUFACTURE goods in the US. Not that we do that anymore, but we could.
c. The end of concessions for illegal immigrants. Yes, they take jobs that "Americans don't want", because companies pay them dirt cheap wages. Seal the borders, enact a realistic minimum wage and put American citizens who need jobs to work. You want to immigrate? Cool! Do it the same way my grandparents did - legally, with sponsorship.
2) The war in Iraq. Do I need to tell you that we should get the hell out? I'm not going to say we were right or wrong invading Iraq in the first place (but I'm not real comfortable with the idea of an "offensive defense"; we're supposed to be the GOOD GUYS, remember?), because what's done is done. Now, lets formulate a workable plan to pull our troops out:
a. Remember all those former allies, like Germany and France, that we told to fuck off? Well, now would be a good time to go back and offer them a slice of the pie. They send peacekeeping troops, they get some of the rebuilding business. Simple as that.
b. Iraqi self rule - speed up the process. The country is theirs, give it back to them. Yeah, I understand about all the rebel factions and the various tribes; you know what? It's their problem to solve. They've tasted democracy, they're not gonna be real happy going back to rule under an islamic dictator. Give 'em mocha frapachinos and The Gap, they'll forget all about jihad.
c. The money we're dumping into Iraq has gotta stop. We can't afford it. You probably don't do much driving on your own, but have you seen the state of our interstate highway system lately? It's a disgrace. Think "third world, only not quite as safe" and you'll get the idea. OUR infrastructure is crumbling; how about we focus on this for a while?
d. The "we're safer now than we were in 2000" argument is bullshit. As an American who travels abroad, I've got to tell you - it's hairy out there when you don't have an army of Secret Service guys covering your ass. Believe it or not, there are a lot of countries that don't like Americans anymore. Anything you can do to make me LESS of a target is greatly appreciated.
Look, I've rambled on enough here, so I'll cut this short. I'm here to help you, Mr. President, and I'm reasonably confident I can elist the help of a few thousand others. We'll roll up our sleeves, pitch in and do what's best for this country of ours. After all, isn't that what the greatest presidents hoped to achieve?
Best regards,
Bike Guy
I, the undersigned, represent an average cross section of America. Middle income, college educatated, no felony convictions, read the newspaper daily, watch rental porn occasionally and do not regularly attend church (but I've got friends who do, which I'm hoping will help me out come judgement day). I consider myself a patriotic American, one who proudly flies the flag at home, celebrates July 4th and even gets choked up during the Star Spangled Banner.
Frankly, Mr. President, I've got some concerns about the future of this country. From where I stand, it's going to hell in a handbasket (and NO ONE carries handbaskets anymore). Now I realize you've got a full plate and an army of staffers who can give you expert advice on a lot of subjects. Still, years of experience have taught me that "experts" rarely have a background in what they're "expert" in, just a fancy degree from an overpriced school. I've learned that sometimes you have to step back, ignore the experts and listen to the little people in the trenches.
So, anyway, here's what's on my mind:
1) The economy. It sucks. If anyone is telling you otherwise, they're blowing smoke up your ass. Middle income jobs are disappearing like lifeboat space on the Titanic. The job reports you're so fond of quoting? Bullshit, if you ask me. Go tell a 47 year old middle management drone with a wife, mortgage and two kids in college that his next job will be flinging burgers at the McBurgerland in the mall, because....THOSE are the companies that are hiring. NOT the middle income, put-a-roof-over-your-head-and-pay-the-bills jobs we've grown accustomed to.
Likewise with the unemployment numbers. I'll agree they're declining, BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE RUNNING OUT OF BENEFITS AND DROPPING OFF REPORTS, NOT BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING JOBS!
Sorry, I was shouting. I'll try to keep a calmer demeanor.
From where I sit, it looks like the middle class is going the way of the dodo. Now, Mr. President, do I really need to point out WHY this would be bad for your party's future?
So, what do I suggest? Well, how about the following:
a. Tax penalties for companies that outsource middle income jobs. Want to send customer service to Banglore? NO PROBLEM! You just get assessed 3x the salary in penalties of the job you just exported. Doesn't seem so attractive now, does it?
b. Tax benefits for companies that MANUFACTURE goods in the US. Not that we do that anymore, but we could.
c. The end of concessions for illegal immigrants. Yes, they take jobs that "Americans don't want", because companies pay them dirt cheap wages. Seal the borders, enact a realistic minimum wage and put American citizens who need jobs to work. You want to immigrate? Cool! Do it the same way my grandparents did - legally, with sponsorship.
2) The war in Iraq. Do I need to tell you that we should get the hell out? I'm not going to say we were right or wrong invading Iraq in the first place (but I'm not real comfortable with the idea of an "offensive defense"; we're supposed to be the GOOD GUYS, remember?), because what's done is done. Now, lets formulate a workable plan to pull our troops out:
a. Remember all those former allies, like Germany and France, that we told to fuck off? Well, now would be a good time to go back and offer them a slice of the pie. They send peacekeeping troops, they get some of the rebuilding business. Simple as that.
b. Iraqi self rule - speed up the process. The country is theirs, give it back to them. Yeah, I understand about all the rebel factions and the various tribes; you know what? It's their problem to solve. They've tasted democracy, they're not gonna be real happy going back to rule under an islamic dictator. Give 'em mocha frapachinos and The Gap, they'll forget all about jihad.
c. The money we're dumping into Iraq has gotta stop. We can't afford it. You probably don't do much driving on your own, but have you seen the state of our interstate highway system lately? It's a disgrace. Think "third world, only not quite as safe" and you'll get the idea. OUR infrastructure is crumbling; how about we focus on this for a while?
d. The "we're safer now than we were in 2000" argument is bullshit. As an American who travels abroad, I've got to tell you - it's hairy out there when you don't have an army of Secret Service guys covering your ass. Believe it or not, there are a lot of countries that don't like Americans anymore. Anything you can do to make me LESS of a target is greatly appreciated.
Look, I've rambled on enough here, so I'll cut this short. I'm here to help you, Mr. President, and I'm reasonably confident I can elist the help of a few thousand others. We'll roll up our sleeves, pitch in and do what's best for this country of ours. After all, isn't that what the greatest presidents hoped to achieve?
Best regards,
Bike Guy
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
I Have A Theory
That time spent riding does not count towards the time you are alotted on this earth. Now bear with me, dear reader, because I'm asking you to make the following leaps of faith:
1) God, Vishnu, Buddha, Mohammed, Yahweh, etc. exists and he /she / it has a sense of humor and a biker mentality.
2) That free will has little effect on the time you're allowed here - in other words, when your number's up, your number's up. No sense worrying about what you can't control.
If my theory is correct, one could conceivable live forever, if you allowed yourself enough time in the saddle. This would go a long way towards explaining Keith Richards longevity.
Riding a bike at speed is a very relaxing, pseudo-religious affair. The perfect ride, like the perfect sermon, both relaxes and invigorates you. Hits the old "karmic reset button", and spins your meters back to zero.
Riding puts you in touch with yourself, with nature, with your creator - and if THAT ain't religion, boys and girls - well, it ought to be.
1) God, Vishnu, Buddha, Mohammed, Yahweh, etc. exists and he /she / it has a sense of humor and a biker mentality.
2) That free will has little effect on the time you're allowed here - in other words, when your number's up, your number's up. No sense worrying about what you can't control.
If my theory is correct, one could conceivable live forever, if you allowed yourself enough time in the saddle. This would go a long way towards explaining Keith Richards longevity.
Riding a bike at speed is a very relaxing, pseudo-religious affair. The perfect ride, like the perfect sermon, both relaxes and invigorates you. Hits the old "karmic reset button", and spins your meters back to zero.
Riding puts you in touch with yourself, with nature, with your creator - and if THAT ain't religion, boys and girls - well, it ought to be.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Before Motorcycles, There Were Bicycles
In my life, that is. I've always had this jones for two wheeled transportation, and I can tell you (in lurid detail) about every bicycle I've ever owned. In high school, I updated a ten speed that I had as a kid to make it faster. My parents thought I was nuts, spending money on a bicycle when I'd be driving in a year or so. It didn't matter - even after I got my license, I STILL rode. I was a man possessed - I'd ride the four miles to work, spend all day wrenching on cars in the hot summer sun, ride home, go out for ANOTHER ride, then come home and wrench on the bike. I'd repack bearings, true wheels, adjust brakes - sometimes just tear shit down to clean it and rebuild it.
I sold that bike just before college and spent my money on a new Fuji 12 speed. In college, cycling was one of the ways I'd decompress from the pressures of life. I quickly adapted to the higher altitude (I went to school in Colorado), and began riding Flagstaff Mountain - the "toughest two miles in Boulder". Flagstaff was a bitch of a climb, and by the time you got to the summit you were exhausted. Your lungs were on fire, your legs like lifeless stumps - even your arms and chest hurt from wrenching on the bars during the climb. Now came the fun part: the 60 mph balls-out descent down the mountain. I rode like a lunatic, tucked for even more speed, molten rubber from my brake pads spraying on my bare legs. I'd throw the bike into corners with little regard for personal safety (or the laws of physics). I remember one time when I hit a patch of sand mid corner; the rear wheel slid out, my body dropped and I had a split second to contemplate flesh and lycra hitting pavement at warp speed. An act of God saved my ass, and the rear tire hooked up at the last second. Hard to beat the adrenaline rush from THAT one...
I've still got bicycles (three as I write this), but life doesn't allow me all that much time to ride these days. When I do, it's mostly trails - just got a new mountain bike and handed my old one off to the missus. Selling my road bike, because the roads by me are NOT conducive to cycling. Too much traffic, too many blind corners, too many idiot drivers on cell phones.
Still, there is a feeling you get on a bicycle that's unlike any other feeling in the world. Every action, regardless how subtle, has an effect on your motion. It's probably as close to flying as we can get without wings.
Perhaps it's a coincidence, but the best motorcycle riders I know are (or were) rabid cyclists. Call it the cult of two wheels.
I sold that bike just before college and spent my money on a new Fuji 12 speed. In college, cycling was one of the ways I'd decompress from the pressures of life. I quickly adapted to the higher altitude (I went to school in Colorado), and began riding Flagstaff Mountain - the "toughest two miles in Boulder". Flagstaff was a bitch of a climb, and by the time you got to the summit you were exhausted. Your lungs were on fire, your legs like lifeless stumps - even your arms and chest hurt from wrenching on the bars during the climb. Now came the fun part: the 60 mph balls-out descent down the mountain. I rode like a lunatic, tucked for even more speed, molten rubber from my brake pads spraying on my bare legs. I'd throw the bike into corners with little regard for personal safety (or the laws of physics). I remember one time when I hit a patch of sand mid corner; the rear wheel slid out, my body dropped and I had a split second to contemplate flesh and lycra hitting pavement at warp speed. An act of God saved my ass, and the rear tire hooked up at the last second. Hard to beat the adrenaline rush from THAT one...
I've still got bicycles (three as I write this), but life doesn't allow me all that much time to ride these days. When I do, it's mostly trails - just got a new mountain bike and handed my old one off to the missus. Selling my road bike, because the roads by me are NOT conducive to cycling. Too much traffic, too many blind corners, too many idiot drivers on cell phones.
Still, there is a feeling you get on a bicycle that's unlike any other feeling in the world. Every action, regardless how subtle, has an effect on your motion. It's probably as close to flying as we can get without wings.
Perhaps it's a coincidence, but the best motorcycle riders I know are (or were) rabid cyclists. Call it the cult of two wheels.
Monday, October 04, 2004
Sometimes, Simple is Best
It's amazing how much motorcycle technology has changed over the past twenty years. There used to be a basic formula when buying a new bike: before you even THOUGHT of riding with your buddies, you pulled the stock exhaust, discarded the stock air cleaner (or airbox, if you were REALLY hot shit), and re-jetted the carbs. For around five hundred dollars (sometimes less), you could easily add 15 to 20% more horsepower to your bike.
That's no longer the case. These days, adding an aftermarket exhaust will probably slow your bike down. You can't rejet the carbs, since nearly everything today is fuel injected. The same kind of upgrades (exhaust, intake and new fuel injection map in lieu of re-jetting) now cost stupid money (around $2k for my bike) and produce gains of only a few horsepower. Thanks, I'll pass.
Likewise, many bikes today have a ridiculous array of gadgety: traction control, ABS, reverse (?!), electrically adjustable windshields, GPS, AM/FM/CB/CD/MP3 players, heated seats, etc. Do you really NEED any of this shit? NO, you do not. You also do not need:
- fuel gauges on motorcycles - that's what the trip odometer and idiot light is for
- gear indicator - if you can't tell what gear you're in by your speed and engine speed, you should seriously consider taking up another hobby. Like bowling.
- bike to bike communications - I ride to get AWAY from people, not talk to them. That's what hanging out AFTER the ride is for.
I encourage ALL of you to pick one day and flush technology. Go to your electric panel and turn off every breaker except things like refrigerators. Spend a day in the dark. Read a book by lantern light instead of sucking at the glass teat (TV, in Harlan Ellison speak). Light a fire to keep warm (assuming you have a fireplace - otherwise I'd ignore this advice). Cook on your grill. Talk to your spouse.
Technology, like good scotch, is best appreciated when you've done without for a while.
That's no longer the case. These days, adding an aftermarket exhaust will probably slow your bike down. You can't rejet the carbs, since nearly everything today is fuel injected. The same kind of upgrades (exhaust, intake and new fuel injection map in lieu of re-jetting) now cost stupid money (around $2k for my bike) and produce gains of only a few horsepower. Thanks, I'll pass.
Likewise, many bikes today have a ridiculous array of gadgety: traction control, ABS, reverse (?!), electrically adjustable windshields, GPS, AM/FM/CB/CD/MP3 players, heated seats, etc. Do you really NEED any of this shit? NO, you do not. You also do not need:
- fuel gauges on motorcycles - that's what the trip odometer and idiot light is for
- gear indicator - if you can't tell what gear you're in by your speed and engine speed, you should seriously consider taking up another hobby. Like bowling.
- bike to bike communications - I ride to get AWAY from people, not talk to them. That's what hanging out AFTER the ride is for.
I encourage ALL of you to pick one day and flush technology. Go to your electric panel and turn off every breaker except things like refrigerators. Spend a day in the dark. Read a book by lantern light instead of sucking at the glass teat (TV, in Harlan Ellison speak). Light a fire to keep warm (assuming you have a fireplace - otherwise I'd ignore this advice). Cook on your grill. Talk to your spouse.
Technology, like good scotch, is best appreciated when you've done without for a while.
Sunday, October 03, 2004
There's an Old Cliche About Riding
"There are only two kinds of riders: those who have crashed and those who will".
I fit in the former category, and I can tell you that crashing sucks. Nothing can prepare you for the sickening split-second when you realize, despite all your training and experience, that the horizon has shifted and you're skimming across asphalt like a stone across water. If you're lucky (and I was), you live to ride another day. Good gear and the fortune of crashing on a deserted road saved my bacon. Still, you wonder "what if": what if a car had been crossing the narrow bridge where I crashed; what if I'd crashed 50 feet further down the road and hit the guardrail head first. Chance are I wouldn't be writing this if any one of a thousand other scenarios played out.
That was many years ago, and it never spoiled my apetite for riding. As soon as I finished up at the doctor, my wife drove me to the dealership so I could begin ordering replacement parts (THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is love). Took me about six months to rebuild the bike - piece by piece, one bolt at a time.
I had a lot of time to think in my downtime, and I came to the realization that the old cliche about crashing is bullshit. I didn't crash because it was "my time"; I crashed because I fucked up. I got complacent doing the same thing I'd done a hundred thousand times before. I was no longer paying attention to my corner setup, because I thought I was beyond crashing. Well, I learned the hard way that I wasn't.
I still believe there are only two kinds of riders, but the rest of the cliche has nothing to do with crashing. The two types? Those who practice their craft and those who don't. Since my wreck, every ride has been a learning experience. I catch mistakes in form MUCH earlier, and correct them before they become problems. I practice things like low speed manuevering, straight line braking and corner setup constantly. I've learned to listen to that little voice inside my head (VOICE, not VOICES - big difference), if something doesn't feel right, I'll turn around and head home. There are no guarantees that I'll never crash again (circumstances beyond my control, etc., etc.), but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm a much better rider because I applied the lessons learned, and won't allow myself to grow complacent again.
I fit in the former category, and I can tell you that crashing sucks. Nothing can prepare you for the sickening split-second when you realize, despite all your training and experience, that the horizon has shifted and you're skimming across asphalt like a stone across water. If you're lucky (and I was), you live to ride another day. Good gear and the fortune of crashing on a deserted road saved my bacon. Still, you wonder "what if": what if a car had been crossing the narrow bridge where I crashed; what if I'd crashed 50 feet further down the road and hit the guardrail head first. Chance are I wouldn't be writing this if any one of a thousand other scenarios played out.
That was many years ago, and it never spoiled my apetite for riding. As soon as I finished up at the doctor, my wife drove me to the dealership so I could begin ordering replacement parts (THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is love). Took me about six months to rebuild the bike - piece by piece, one bolt at a time.
I had a lot of time to think in my downtime, and I came to the realization that the old cliche about crashing is bullshit. I didn't crash because it was "my time"; I crashed because I fucked up. I got complacent doing the same thing I'd done a hundred thousand times before. I was no longer paying attention to my corner setup, because I thought I was beyond crashing. Well, I learned the hard way that I wasn't.
I still believe there are only two kinds of riders, but the rest of the cliche has nothing to do with crashing. The two types? Those who practice their craft and those who don't. Since my wreck, every ride has been a learning experience. I catch mistakes in form MUCH earlier, and correct them before they become problems. I practice things like low speed manuevering, straight line braking and corner setup constantly. I've learned to listen to that little voice inside my head (VOICE, not VOICES - big difference), if something doesn't feel right, I'll turn around and head home. There are no guarantees that I'll never crash again (circumstances beyond my control, etc., etc.), but that's a risk I'm willing to take. I'm a much better rider because I applied the lessons learned, and won't allow myself to grow complacent again.
Saturday, October 02, 2004
So...What Do I Ride?
I've owned seven different motorcycles over the last 21 years, most of them Japanese. Time was that all of the major Japanese manufacturers had what was known as the "UJM" - Universal Japanese Motorcycle. These were bikes that were equally adept at sport riding (back in the days when dragging your knee was a BAD thing, because it meant you'd just low-sided), commuting and touring. They were cheap, plentiful and easy to wrench on. Despite what others will say, these bikes also had a lot of personality. Some, like the quiet little librarian chica in the corner, thrived on abuse ("Yeah, that's it - flog me harder! Make me your bitch!"). Others required a bit of subtle romance to keep going ("Hey baby, got you a nice bottle of fork oil and a new set of points. What do you say we get freaky this weekend?").
By the late '80s, the UJM had all but ceased to exist as manufacturers tried to pigeonhole riders into the "cruiser" camp, the "sportbike" camp or the "touring" camp. Bikes became ridiculously niche specific. You needed a GSXR for track days, a GoldWing for the weekend camping trips and a cruiser for riding to work (or bad, bad idea - the local bar). This was (obviously) good for the manufacturers, but bad for riders - who's got the time, money and garage space to own, maintain, insure and ride a fleet of bikes?
Around 1999, BMW rolled out a bike called the R1100S. Originally, it was intended to replace the existing R1150RS, a sport-tourer that was showing signs of age. BMW had high hopes for the 1100S; it was the sportiest BMW in years, but all-day comfortable and easy to maintain. In short, BMW had re-invented a modern version of the UJM.
I lusted after this bike for years, before I finally took the plunge and bought a used one in the fall of 2001. One test ride and I was inescapably, irreversably hooked. I NEEDED this bike like a junkie needs a fix; like Kerry needs electoral votes. There are times in a man's life when rationality goes right out the window; the Id kicks in and WILL NOT be denied. This was one of them.
In 21+ years of riding, I have never encountered a bike that I enjoy as much as the S. Most people just don't get them - they're not as comfortable as the typical Beemer (because they provide much better feedback), aren't nearly as powerful as a typical Japanese sportbike (but does anyone really need to ride faster than 140 MPH in the US, anyway) and look, well... funky. You either get them or you don't - like garlic ice cream, there's not much room for middle ground here
So what does this mean? Well, resale on BMW 1100S bikes is for shit, and no one knows if they'll be updated with the rest of the R line. But you know what? I don't care. Like the UJMs of old, the S has become cheap and plentiful. When mine wears out, I'll just snap up another for pennies on the dollar.
I guess I'm a sucker for things that other people just don't get...
By the late '80s, the UJM had all but ceased to exist as manufacturers tried to pigeonhole riders into the "cruiser" camp, the "sportbike" camp or the "touring" camp. Bikes became ridiculously niche specific. You needed a GSXR for track days, a GoldWing for the weekend camping trips and a cruiser for riding to work (or bad, bad idea - the local bar). This was (obviously) good for the manufacturers, but bad for riders - who's got the time, money and garage space to own, maintain, insure and ride a fleet of bikes?
Around 1999, BMW rolled out a bike called the R1100S. Originally, it was intended to replace the existing R1150RS, a sport-tourer that was showing signs of age. BMW had high hopes for the 1100S; it was the sportiest BMW in years, but all-day comfortable and easy to maintain. In short, BMW had re-invented a modern version of the UJM.
I lusted after this bike for years, before I finally took the plunge and bought a used one in the fall of 2001. One test ride and I was inescapably, irreversably hooked. I NEEDED this bike like a junkie needs a fix; like Kerry needs electoral votes. There are times in a man's life when rationality goes right out the window; the Id kicks in and WILL NOT be denied. This was one of them.
In 21+ years of riding, I have never encountered a bike that I enjoy as much as the S. Most people just don't get them - they're not as comfortable as the typical Beemer (because they provide much better feedback), aren't nearly as powerful as a typical Japanese sportbike (but does anyone really need to ride faster than 140 MPH in the US, anyway) and look, well... funky. You either get them or you don't - like garlic ice cream, there's not much room for middle ground here
So what does this mean? Well, resale on BMW 1100S bikes is for shit, and no one knows if they'll be updated with the rest of the R line. But you know what? I don't care. Like the UJMs of old, the S has become cheap and plentiful. When mine wears out, I'll just snap up another for pennies on the dollar.
I guess I'm a sucker for things that other people just don't get...
Looks Like I'm Hanging My Open Sign In Cyberspace
If you're reading this, thanks and welcome. I'm the new kid in town - got plenty of opinions, biased and otherwise, on all things motorized. Hell, I've got opinions on pretty much all things...
It's gonna take me a while to sort things out, so bear with me - I promise I will (occasionally) make you laugh and/or make you think.
So who am I? Just a regular guy who's happiest when he's riding. I prefer motorcycles, but I've spent a lot of years riding bicycles, too. More on that in a future blog.
Gotta run for now, but I promise to be back later.
It's gonna take me a while to sort things out, so bear with me - I promise I will (occasionally) make you laugh and/or make you think.
So who am I? Just a regular guy who's happiest when he's riding. I prefer motorcycles, but I've spent a lot of years riding bicycles, too. More on that in a future blog.
Gotta run for now, but I promise to be back later.
