Wednesday, April 06, 2005
OnStar Services We Could Really Use
The following transcripts are NOT based on actual OnStar calls. If they were, perhaps I'd be motivated to buy a vehicle that had it.
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver A: "Hello OnStar. I'd like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They've been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can't get around them on the right."
OS Operator: "Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missle attack?"
Driver A: "He's really pissing me off - better go with the Hellfire missles"
OS Operator: "An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missles are a PREMIUM service. You'll see the charge on your next statement."
Driver A: "Not a problem ma'am"
OS Operator: "OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I'd advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver B: "I'm running late for an important meeting, and traffic blows goats. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?"
OS Operator: "Yes sir, I'd be happy to. I have to give you our standard disclaimer that the auto navigate feature will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?"
Driver B: "Yes ma'am, I sent it in last month"
OS Operator: "Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We'll take it from here."
Driver B: "Could you also.."
OS Operator: "Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car at work? Already done, sir."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver C: "I've just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off."
OS Operator: "Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police."
Driver C: "No, I'm OK. I'm just pissed about my car."
OS Operator: "Can you give a description of the vehicle and occupants? Would you like us to dispatch our 'courtesy enforcement specialists'"
Driver C: "Yeah, just don't send Vinnie and Rocco again."
OS Operator: "Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?"
Driver C: "Dissatisfied isn't the right word. They were a little too... enthusiastic. I mean the woman stole my parking space - a simple beating would have been enough."
OS Operator: "Understood sir. We'll dispatch Klaus and Osgard this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day..."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver A: "Hello OnStar. I'd like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They've been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can't get around them on the right."
OS Operator: "Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missle attack?"
Driver A: "He's really pissing me off - better go with the Hellfire missles"
OS Operator: "An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missles are a PREMIUM service. You'll see the charge on your next statement."
Driver A: "Not a problem ma'am"
OS Operator: "OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I'd advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver B: "I'm running late for an important meeting, and traffic blows goats. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?"
OS Operator: "Yes sir, I'd be happy to. I have to give you our standard disclaimer that the auto navigate feature will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?"
Driver B: "Yes ma'am, I sent it in last month"
OS Operator: "Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We'll take it from here."
Driver B: "Could you also.."
OS Operator: "Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car at work? Already done, sir."
OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver C: "I've just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off."
OS Operator: "Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police."
Driver C: "No, I'm OK. I'm just pissed about my car."
OS Operator: "Can you give a description of the vehicle and occupants? Would you like us to dispatch our 'courtesy enforcement specialists'"
Driver C: "Yeah, just don't send Vinnie and Rocco again."
OS Operator: "Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?"
Driver C: "Dissatisfied isn't the right word. They were a little too... enthusiastic. I mean the woman stole my parking space - a simple beating would have been enough."
OS Operator: "Understood sir. We'll dispatch Klaus and Osgard this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day..."
// posted by John Patmos @ 4:35 PM 
