Bike Guy

It's called "the sun", and unless the day is overcast it will rise in the east every morning. Primative cultures worshipped the sun, making offerings and conducting sacrifices to this strange god. Apparently, some people still do.

My fellow commuters, the sun is not to be feared or worshipped, only appreciated. You need not come to a complete stop wile driving into its warming embrace; I assure you, it WILL NOT smite you down. You need not freeze, mouth agape like you're witnessing a divine revelation (trust me, you're not - God's not into the big production thing these days). Instead, try this simple, calming action.

DRIVE.

Yes, that's it, drive. Don't come to a complete fucking stop as you round a corner into the sun, causing accidents and further pooching the rush hour commute. You KNOW where the sun is going to be - it's there every day. It's not getting (noticeably) dimmer, so here are a few things you can do to cope with it:

1) Sunglasses. This miraculous invention has been around for hundreds of years. Sunglasses (or, shades, as they are occasionally called) actually REDUCE the amount of light being transmitted to your eyes. One possible benefit? When wearing sunglasses, you can drive into the sun with little fear of reduced visibility.

2) Visor. This handy device flips down from the top of your windshield (inside the car) and actually BLOCKS the sun. Trust me; it doesn't erase the sun or snuff it out. Instead, using the miracle discovery of opaque fabric it eliminates the sun glare from your view, allowing you to drive unimpeded. Visor technology has become so advance that most now SWIVEL, allowing you to block the sun both in front of you and beside you. What will they think of next...

3) Squinting. Yes, when given no other options you can actualy narrow your eyelids (only partially while driving, please) to reduce the amount of light hitting your optic nerve. Squinting has the unintended benefit of making you look intellectual (or psychotic), often giving pause to those around you.

I'm no pagan, but if I have to deal with another 25 MPH commute because other drivers can't maintain a reasonable speed while driving into the sun, I will SERIOUSLY contemplate some human sacrifice.

The following transcripts are NOT based on actual OnStar calls. If they were, perhaps I'd be motivated to buy a vehicle that had it.

OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver A: "Hello OnStar. I'd like to call in an airstrike on the assnozzle in front of me. They've been driving below the speed limit in the left lane for the past ten miles, and I can't get around them on the right."
OS Operator: "Very well sir, did you want the minigun strafing run or the Hellfire missle attack?"
Driver A: "He's really pissing me off - better go with the Hellfire missles"
OS Operator: "An excellent choice sir, but I must remind you that Hellfire missles are a PREMIUM service. You'll see the charge on your next statement."
Driver A: "Not a problem ma'am"
OS Operator: "OK, I just need to confirm your coordinates, and I'd advise you to back off and leave some room for our Apache to move in. Thank you for using OnStar, and have a great day."

OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver B: "I'm running late for an important meeting, and traffic blows goats. Can you turn on the auto navigate feature and activate the lights and siren?"
OS Operator: "Yes sir, I'd be happy to. I have to give you our standard disclaimer that the auto navigate feature will get you to your destination in the minimum amount of time, but this include driving across private property, through fences and occasionally avoiding high speed pursuit. Do we have a waiver of liability on file for you?"
Driver B: "Yes ma'am, I sent it in last month"
OS Operator: "Very well then. Please make sure your airbags are deactivated, your seat belt is fastened and I STRONGLY recommend you remove your hands from the steering wheel. We'll take it from here."
Driver B: "Could you also.."
OS Operator: "Arrange a flatbed to pick up the remains of your car at work? Already done, sir."

OS Operator: "Hello, this is OnStar. How can I help you today?"
Driver C: "I've just been hit by some kids in a stolen car, and they took off."
OS Operator: "Are you hurt? Do you require an ambulance or police."
Driver C: "No, I'm OK. I'm just pissed about my car."
OS Operator: "Can you give a description of the vehicle and occupants? Would you like us to dispatch our 'courtesy enforcement specialists'"
Driver C: "Yeah, just don't send Vinnie and Rocco again."
OS Operator: "Sir, were you dissatisfied with their previous work?"
Driver C: "Dissatisfied isn't the right word. They were a little too... enthusiastic. I mean the woman stole my parking space - a simple beating would have been enough."
OS Operator: "Understood sir. We'll dispatch Klaus and Osgard this time. Thank you for using OnStar and have a nice day..."

So I've been riding for over twenty years now, and in that time I've been VERY fortunate to only have one friend killed in a motorcycle accident. It was a long time ago, and he was more of an acquaintance than a close friend, but it still hit home. He was away at college, riding to work, when a car pulled out in front of him. He hit the car broadside, and died of a broken neck.

I've slowed down over the years and don't ride as aggressively as I used to. I'm fairly active on a few marque specific motorcycle boards, and I remember thinking how fortunate us R1100S riders were, since very few of us crashed. Visit some of the other motorcycle boards, and it seems like they lose a rider every month.

Our streak has sadly come to an end. Last fall, one of the senior members of the board was nearly killed when he collided with a minivan. It's now six months later, and he's still in a rehab hospital. There is a chance (albeit a slim one) that he will someday walk again, but his riding days are over.

Two weeks ago another senior board member was in a crash, and it cost him his life. A simple error in judgement, a few feet too deep into the corner; this time there were no second chances. He was 31 years old.

I didn't know him well, had never ridden with him and had never spoken to him in real life. Still, we shared a common interest and he ALWAYS made me laugh. He just knew how to push peoples buttons - even if he pissed you off, you'd still walk away laughing.

With all the news exposure to the Terry Schiavo case, I'll be drafting a living will in the near future. For me, there is one indisputable rule: if I'm on life support, and there is no chance that I'll ever be able to ride again - pull the plug.

Anyway, Shannon - ride on, amigo. Wherever you are, you're making people laugh.

I just got back from a few days in Florida, and had the chance to visit Ft. Jefferson (America's most inaccessible National Park). Located on a tiny island some 70 miles west of Key West, Ft. Jefferson is surrounded by....

Nothing.

Water. Lots of water, most of it shallow.

The National Park was established in an effort to protect the fort, which was built around the time of the Civil War, but abandoned by 1874. Here's a view from the air:




Anyway, what's particularly cool about this National Park is that it's quite easy to get maimed, crippled or killed there. Lots of loose masonry, lots of long drops into shallow water (probably bouncing off of rocks on the way down), lots of open balconies with no guard rails. Get hurt, and you are at LEAST an hour or two away from medical care. Think about this for a second: in today's pasteurized, sealed-for-your-protection, sue at the drop of a hat world, how many places can you visit that have ANY element of risk? Not many...









So here's the moral, boys and girls: life is short, so take big bites. Do something that's a little dangerous, a little out there. Without adventure, life isn't worth living anyway.

I've been gone for a while - haven't blogged in over two months. I'd like to tell you that I was kidnapped by aliens and taken to an alternate world where I was mated with a porn star in a misguided attempt to populate their world (ala Billy Pilgrim). I'd like to tell you that I've spent the last sixty days in rehab, since that's such the chic and trendy thing to do (dry out and cash in selling your story to the National Enquirer, next to the "Couple says they'll keep their three headed baby" headline).

Perhaps I was wrongly imprisoned in a Mexican jail (really officer, I didn't know that was illegal). Perhaps my occasional anger management issues got the better of me (sure, your honor, I kicked the crap out of him, but he had it coming - really).

Or perhaps I've temporarily run out of things to talk about.

Sadly, that is indeed the case. Kinda hard to come up with fresh fodder in the off season, when week days last fourteen hours between commuting and work. How many times can I bitch about how bad drivers are getting, or about how much a 110 mile per day commute sucks? We all have our crosses to bear.

Anyway, it's a dry spell. So what's new with you?

Me? I learned, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I could not live in the bible belt. Business took me down there and I've gotta tell you it was one freaky motherfuckin' trip. To quote someone, I was "edgier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs" by the time I flew back.

Consider these random snippets of adventure:

1) Dining in a hole-in-the-wall Mexican dive, and suddenly discovering you're the sole gringo in a room full of Latin Kings. Like the cars in the lot shouldn't have raised a red flag. "What could go wrong", thinks I...

2) The woman at the grocery store (dressed in sweats) with the two kids (screaming at the top of their lungs) while she calmly chatted on her cell phone. The big hair and perfect fingernails clued me in to the fact that she was a world reknowned neurosurgeon, undoubtedly talking to a colleague about the latest techniques in sub-cranial suturing.

Yes, boys and girls, we're fucked as a country and perhaps a civilization. I sometimes think a massive comet strike would be a grand improvement...

3) Walking to lunch, when suddenly an episode of "Cops" breaks out at a neighboring apartment complex. Yelling, followed by broken glass, followed by screams and the sound of more breaking glass. My colleagues stand and watch, slack jawed, while I look for cover to call the police before the bullets start flying. Just another day in paradise...

4) The five AM drive to the airport (75 miles away) in an ice storm, driving a rental car, with religious programming and eighty seven different kinds of country music to listen to. Who knew that there's such a thing as "electric country", "classic country" or "hip-hop country"; still, all the basic country themes (trucks, drinking and being done wrong by a woman named Lucinda) are there.

On the plus side, I did finish "Ghost Rider" by Neal Peart. Decent enough book if you're a Rush fan or bike person, but not exactly a fun read. It's all about how tragedy shapes our lives and hardens us, and Neal knows a thing or two about tragedy. In a two year period, he lost a 19 year old daughter in a car accident, lost his wife of 20+ years to cancer, lost his dog and saw his best friend imprisoned. And you thought YOU were having a shitty year.

So I've been driving now for about 23 years, all of which have been spent in places with real winters. Some (Colorado, for example) have pretty consistant winters - you know what to expect and rarely get surprises. Other places (like Minnesota and New Jersey) offer a mixed bag of wintertime driving grief - snow one day, black ice and freezing rain the next. I'd have to say I've amassed a good knowledge about what works and what doesn't, so below please find a few helpful tips for you, dear reader:

1) Don't be an asshat. This is the big one, boys and girls. When the weather sucks, you need to chill out. You're NOT going to get to work (or home) on time. It's going to take longer and you're going to be dealing with people who are scared shitless and REALLY shouldn't be on the road at all. Kick back, give the drivers around you a break (and a little more following distance) and be happy that you'll get where you're going eventually.

2) Don't buy into the myth of all wheel drive. Yes, AWD (or four wheel drive) can help you get moving on snow and ice, but that's about it. It will NOT help you stop quicker or (generally speaking) turn faster. I can't count the number of 4wd pickups and AWD SUVs that blew by me on Wednesday's hellish black ice commute to work. At 70 MPH on ice, hit the brakes and you're about a missle with absolutely ZERO control, regardless of how many wheels you've got driving.

3) If you live where it snows regularly (and YOU drive regularly), you NEED snow tires. Not all season radials, snow tires. Why? They give you the best possible handling (and therefore greatest safety margin) in winter conditions (snow, ice and just plain cold weather). A set of GOOD snows, mounted on steel wheels won't set you back a fortune - in fact, they'll generally cost less than your $500.00 insurance deductible, which you may need to cough up if you DON'T have snows.

On Wednesday I passed a guy in a brand new BMW M3 who'd just spun on ice and destroyed his front suspension. Why the fuck would you buy a BMW M3 and try to drive it in the winter on "summer only" high performace tires? If you can't afford to buy snow tires for a car like that then you certainly can't afford to drive it, can you?

What's my beef with all season radials? Nothing really - they're fine if you only need to drive to and from the grocery store and never drive in deep snow or on ice. Otherwise, they're too much of a compromise. When was the last time you heard about a revolutionary new vacuum cleaner/blender/home computer/marital aid/ice cream maker?

4) Front wheel drive or rear wheel drive? I've had both, and I actually prefer rear wheel drive. Why? Better balance, better handling. Front wheel drive carries most of the weight in the front, which provides marginally better traction on level ground. Basic physics tell us that weight transfer occurs under acceleration, which takes weight OFF the front and applies it to the rear. Likewise, braking transfers weight TO the front wheels, which raises the potential of breaking traction on slippery surfaces.

Rear wheel drive gives me good enough traction and better handling, especially with good snow tires.

5) SUVs and pickups are top heavy and more prone to rollover accidents. If you really need AWD and want your wife / husband / lover / invisible friend to be safe, buy them an AWD sedan or wagon. Size does NOT equal safety - handling and proper driver training equals safety. It's not like you don't have choices, either - almost every automaker now builds AWD cars and wagons, in damn near every price point. And yes, you still need snow tires with AWD.

6) Distance, distance, distance. Increase your following distance in bad weather, both to give you more braking room and to see the road in front of you. Few things suck as much as changing a tire in a snowstorm by the side of the road because you just pretzeled a wheel and blew a tire after hitting a monster pothole. Safe driving in the winter is all about giving yourself options - room to brake, swerve and regain control.

7) Big wheels may look cool, but they're no good in pothole country. Yo cuz, I know that rollin' on dubs is badass (especially for a playa like you), but wadding those spinners on the LIE or Cross Bronx is an Opie move. Downsize, see? Sixteens with snows may not scream "Baller", but they WILL keep more bling in your pocket, dig?

My car came with 17" wheels. For winter driving I've got a set of 16" wheels with taller tires. Sure, the car doesn't stick as well in corners on dry pavement, but I don't need to replace the wheel and tire everytime I hit a pothole. Need advice on what works for you? Visit the Tire Rack (and no, I'm not a paid spokesmodel).

Anyway, enough of my preaching. Let's be safe out there.

Ah, January 1st - the time of the year when everyone is thinking about a fresh start. "This year I will ______ less or _____ more" - feel free to choose from a host of options, including (but not limited to) eat, smoke, masturbate, sleep, watch porn, vote republican, eat sugary cereals and watch 'Jackass'.

Me? I don't believe in New Year's resolutions. It's not that I don't have room for improvement, mind you - it's just that the idea of making a pact with yourself to become a better person seems kind of...pointless. Has anyone ever kept a New Year's resolution (such as losing weight, quitting smoking, cutting back on drinking, etc.) for more than a few weeks? It's almost like the very point of making resolutions is to break them; why, exactly, would I set myself up to fail?

If you're reading this, thanks. Really, I appreciate you occasionally stopping by to see what new infectious matter has seeped uncontained from my cerebellum. As a reward, I offer you the following New Years promises:

1) I will not make any resolutions. But then you already guessed this.
2) I will blog more in 2005 than in the closing months of 2004. I've started a new job, run low on topics, blah, blah, blah. In other words, I've just gotten lazy, and for that I apologize.
3) I'll even add photos to my blog in the near future. Just as soon as my cro-magnon brain figures out the coding and finds a new host site.
4) I WILL get my shit together in the coming year, job wise. I've tried to avoid talking about work in my blog, because the LAST thing you need is another guy bitching about how much his job sucks. I'll leave it at this: I started a new job on December 1st, which I've grown to dislike immensely in under 30 days. Quitting would be career suicide, and I'd have to find a completely new career or line of work. If for NO OTHER reason, you should check back here regularly to see if I've flushed it all. Who knows - I may be coming to a homeless shelter near you...
5) I'll ride more in '05. I've gotten away from riding, and this in itself is disturbing. Without the bike, I've got precious little to reboot my karma, and that's not a good thing for a guy who owns guns.
6) I'll be better about reading your blogs as well. Let's face it - we don't do this for the money. We write these blogs because we want others to read them and give us feedback. In 2005 I'll be better about giving you my opinions, whether you want them or not.
7) I will try to stay sane in an insane world. We're living in dangerously odd times. Times where little girls can be arrested for bringing scissors to school, and times where you can't say "bitch" on the radio for fear of bringing down the wrath of the FCC. Somehow, it's obscene to show the naked human form (even as marble statues) but perfectly permissable to let TV televangelists offer to save your soul for the low, low introductory price of only $59.95 (buy now and we'll throw in this fabulous Ginsu knife collection). Yes, brothas and sistas, these are fucked up times, but I promise you this - I'll take point and charge blindly into the fog, as long as I can count on you to cover my back. Fair enough?

So there are my New Year's anti - resolutions. I hope you all have a happy and healthy New Year, and I wish you much joy and good fortune in the coming year. One thing's for sure - it's bound to be an adventure.

Peace!

Bike Guy